Gift 3: Means of Grace

Way back here, I set out to defend my previous assertion that each of the Ten Commandments comes with a gift from God. More specifically, I wanted to defend the statement that each of the things I listed comes freely, and only, from the Lord. I showed how the Bible teaches that both the saved sinner's relationship with God, and the faith that forms the fabric of that relationship, are God's doing, not ours. We are saved by God's grace, through faith in Christ; and that faith is also ours by the grace of God.

Now I come to another "questionable" gift on my list: the Holy Spirit's gift in Word and Sacrament. It's not really questionable. Scripture is very clear about this, too. What is questionable is whether people who reject what the Bible teaches on this have the right to pose as Bible-believing Christians.

In my work as a pastor, as well as in my work since I left the parish, I have often been faced with people who, for example, cannot accept the teaching that we are saved through Baptism. I have even seen writings by Protestant theologians that answered such questions as, "Does Baptism save?" "Does Baptism regenerate?" "Does Baptism forgive sins?" with a solid "No, no, no." And to my everlasting awe, these people - from dogmatic theologians to concerned laypeople in my Bible class - are convinced that they speak from Scripture.

Where they get hung up is "faith alone." A typical Protestant response to the question "Does baptism save you?" might be: "I can't believe that after doing so much to teach salvation by faith alone, God would add another condition or requirement on salvation such as Baptism." Even confronted with the incontrovertible fact that the Bible very pointedly says "Baptism now saves you" (1 Peter 3:21), the Protestant mind will insist that a single verse cannot outweigh the overwhelming consensus of New Testament teaching that salvation comes apart from works, by faith alone.

Don't worry. I'm not going to trot out the trusty old "Faith is never alone" gimmick. I believe there is a special circle of hell for cliches like that. I don't dispute the words "faith alone." I simply maintain that the Protestant mind does not think biblically about what faith is. Secondly, and for very similar reasons, the Protestant mind is also mistaken about what Baptism is. And thirdly, I think the "no doctrine can stand on a single verse" concept reveals a serious perversion in the Protestant approach to Scripture.

Faith, as I think I sufficiently explained in my "Gift 2" post, is not something we bring to the table. It is something God gives to us. By failing to recognize this, the Protestant-Reformed-Evangelical mindset overthrows the Gospel and reinstates the deadly religion of works. Everything pertaining to our salvation is God's work. That includes faith, God's gift to us, which He creates and nurtures through Baptism, the Gospel, and the Lord's Supper. Faith in the Gospel is to rely 100% on Christ, and 0% on oneself, for salvation. The tendency to take back at least some credit for faith, which really runs through every Christian tradition, shows our sick need to justify ourselves, to glorify ourselves, to feel that we are at least partially our own saviors. Our depravity is so deeply ingrained that it is truly a miraculous work of God that anyone has faith in Him.

Baptism, along with the Word and the Sacrament, is needed for precisely this reason. I don't know precisely where the phrase "Means of Grace" originated, but it suits the case as I understand it. Baptism, Gospel, and Lord's Supper are instruments of God. Baptism and Supper are, as it were, visible forms of His mighty Word. His Word is not simply a grammatical part of speech, or a statement to be considered. It's not even that the Word takes us captive by its proven reliability or its amazing persuasiveness. The Word of God is unlike any human word. It accomplishes what it says. It bestows the very gifts it promises. It creates worlds out of nothing, breathes life into the lifeless, shines light into darkness, opens eyes, ears, and hearts.

This I have already explained with many Bible references. Which brings me round to the question of how to use the Bible. I choose my Bible references because they speak very clearly, within their immediate context and the whole sum of Bible teaching (one of the top rules of Bible interpretation is the unity and unanimity of Scripture: "The Scripture cannot be broken" - John 10:35). The Bible is not to be used as a random sentence generator, from which isolated phrases and sentences can be taken to prove any point you care to defend. We must always seek what the Holy Spirit intends to get across. We must be honest and clear about what each word and verse means in its respective place. And we must be ready to have all our human conceits laid bare by even one surgically precise word of God. Even when this Word seems to speak at cross-purposes to that Word, and especially when they run against the grain of our reason, we must first and foremost trust that God's Word is a unity that cannot bear false witness, especially against itself.

So when it says we are saved through faith (Ephesians 2:8), but also that the Word is required (because faith comes by hearing - Romans 10:17), we must not despair of finding the single truth that both verses proclaim. We are saved through faith; the Word gives us faith. And when it also says "Baptism now saves you" (1 Peter 1:23) and "He that believes and is baptized shall be saved" (Mark 16:16), we must again begin by trusting that there is no contradiction. Somehow this agrees with "faith alone," because Scripture cannot be broken. The key is this: Baptism and Lord's Supper are one and the same with God's Word.

When the Protestant mind interprets these sacraments as laws or ordinances that we must carry out, it speaks from the same old perverse way of turning back to the works of the flesh which enabled it to speak of faith as a "condition" or "requirement" of salvation. Faith is salvation, which God has given to us freely. To believe it is to possess it, even though we hold it in trust rather than in our hands. Baptism, Word, and Sacrament are the miraculous means by which God creates faith, keeps it alive, and causes it to grow and bear fruit. All of it is His work, not ours.

To say "God wouldn't add Baptism as another condition on salvation besides faith" is to say that faith is our work, and that Baptism is our work. But Scripture makes both God's work. And to say "Only one verse says this about Baptism" is also quite wrong. God teaches this everywhere in the New Testament. 1 Peter 1:23 may be the only verse that uses the exact words "Baptism saves" - but if you are truly a Bible-believing Christian, that will be enough for you. Yet because God is so gracious as to anticipate, and make allowances for, your weakness of faith, He has added many other statements that come to the same thing. For example:

• Matthew 28:18-20 - "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
  
• Mark 16:16 - "He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved; but he who has disbelieved shall be condemned."


• John 3:3,5 - "Unless one is born again/born of water and the Spirit, he cannot see/enter into the kingdom of God."


• Acts 2:38-39 - "Repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and your children."


• Acts 22:16 - "Arise, and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on His name."


• Romans 6:3-4 - "Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life."


• 1 Corinthians 6:11 - "And such [unrighteous] were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God."


• 1 Corinthians 12:13 - "For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free, and we were all made to drink of one Spirit."


• Galatians 3:26-29 - "For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise."


• Ephesians 4:4-6 - "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all."


• Ephesians 5:25-26 - "Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word."


• Colossians 2:11-12 - "In Him you were also circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the removal of the body of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ; having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised up with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead."


• Titus 3:4-7 - "But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that being justified by His grace we might be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life."


• Hebrews 10:20 - "Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water."


• 1 John 5:8 - "There are three that bear witness, the Spirit and the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement."

Now I am not a fool. I do not expect my arguments to persuade anyone who does not believe what the living, powerful Word of God says to them. In fact, I have plenty of experience in failing to persuade people, regardless of their avowed submission to the Bible. How many years did I spend discussing this with my mother and my late stepfather, and still they never believed it? Besides that, I saw prospective members drop out of my adult membership class (when I was a pastor) when they realized they could not get me to change my doctrine to suit them. I recently spent half an hour on the phone, at work, with a lady who heard everything I have said on this subject (and more) and who still persisted in asking the very questions I had answered based on God's Word. I realize that unbelief will not be overcome by persuasive arguments when it has already stood up to the wonder-working power of God's Word.

However, I do wish I could at least persuade such people to reflect, for a few moments at least, on whether they really believe the Bible as they congratulate themselves for doing, or whether they really believe in the power of the Spirit which they claim is so central to their faith. If they really cared about what God's Word teaches, they wouldn't try so hard to find a paper-thin loophole to sidle through, or to stretch any meagre rationale to cover it up. If they really trusted in the Holy Spirit, they wouldn't be so ready to doubt the work that He does in Baptism, Word, and Sacrament of the Altar. If they were really "faith alone" Christians, they would not be so attached to their own decisions, gifts, and efforts. If they had any kind of faith at all, it would be a faith positively built upon Christ's holy teaching, not on an unbelieving denial of His teaching.

Here are some of those unbelieving quibbles. The answer to each one comes out of the very clear statements of Scripture quoted above.

1. "God in heaven is the only one who saves. How dare you say that baptism, performed by men on earth, saves us?" ANSWER: Re-read Matthew 28:18. Christ has jurisdiction both in heaven and on earth. He then commands men to baptize in His name. So, Jesus is the one who performs Baptism. Therefore He is present on earth in Baptism; and therefore Baptism is valid also in heaven.


2. "In Mark 16:16, believing is mentioned before baptism. So you must believe first, then be baptized; therefore infants should not be baptized. Besides, I heard somewhere that there was supposed to be a waiting period before baptizing somebody, to make sure they believed." ANSWER: See Acts 2:39. The promises of Baptism very specifically apply to children. For all we know, the Holy Spirit wrote Mark 16:16 the way He did in order to show us that Baptism and faith go together. One of them has to be mentioned first; the order in which they are mentioned is never stressed as if to show that one must precede the other. Now look at Matthew 28:19 again. Who is to be baptized? All nations. Where does Jesus speak of an age restriction? Doesn't He, rather, specifically command children to be brought to Him (Mark 10:14)? As for the waiting period - tell it to St. Peter. After he preached the words of Acts 2:38-39, three thousand people were baptized that very day (Acts 2:41)!


3. "Baptism is a good work, to be sure; but I still don't see where Scripture says it gives you forgiveness of sins." ANSWER: See Acts 2:39, Acts 22:16, 1 Corinthians 6:11, Ephesians 5:25-26, and Hebrews 10:20. That's where Scripture says Baptism gives you forgiveness. Maybe you didn't see these words because they were never pointed out to you. Now that you have seen them, what are your grounds for denial?


4. "But babies are not sinful, so they don't need forgiveness. So why should they be baptized?" ANSWER: See Acts 2:39 again. Why is this hard to understand? The theory that babies are not sinful comes from somewhere other than the Bible. I know all the verses you're about to quote at me to show that the Bible teaches that children do not sin. Unlike you, I have actually read them in context; and I know that they teach nothing of the sort. The fact that I know exactly what verses you are going to quote shows that everyone who believes (or rather, denies) as you do, quotes the same verses. This suggests that you have all gone through the same brainwashing program - a program based on man's word, not God's, but willing to use convenient rags & tatters of the Bible the way Satan did in Matthew 4:6. Nevertheless, if Psalm 51:5 isn't clear enough for you, we have nothing to say to each other. Children need forgiveness (Psalm 51:5); Baptism promises it to them (Acts 2:39).


5. "The Baptism of the Spirit is separate from the Baptism with water. It says this in Matthew 3:11, Mark 1:8, Luke 3:16, and John 1:33, so there! Clearly, the Baptism of the Spirit is more important than the Baptism of water." ANSWER: See John 3:3,5 and Ephesians 4:4-6. Whatever John the Baptist meant by comparing his baptism of water with Jesus' baptism of the Spirit, it needs to be interpreted in the light of Jesus Himself insisting on the Baptism of "water and the Spirit" and Paul insisting that there is "one Baptism." Scripture never says there are two Baptisms; it does, however, specifically speak of "one Baptism" - and not in water only, but in water and the Spirit!


6. "Mark 16:16 and Philip's remarks to the Ethiopian eunuch (Acts 8:37) indicate that Baptism doesn't do you any good unless you have faith. Plus, by not saying that not being baptized condemns you, Mark 16:16 also implies that Baptism isn't necessary for salvation. I suppose now you're going to claim that those verses weren't part of the original text, eh?" ANSWER: Some scholars may say this, but I don't rely on such arguments. Remember, Baptism isn't a "requirement of salvation" any more than faith is. Baptism is an act of God which works faith. Some people may have saving faith without Baptism, so not all who lack Baptism are condemned. However, in Mark 16:16 God stresses that Baptism and faith together save you. Yes, where there is no faith, Baptism by itself does not save. God teaches the same thing about His Word in Hebrews 4:2 - "For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard." 1 Corinthians 11:27-30 suggests something similar about the Lord's Supper. God uses Word and Sacrament to create faith; but the hearer or recipient can resist it, and a child of God can fall away again through neglect of the Word and persistent, unrepented sin. The devil wants to lead Christians astray; their last state is worse than the first (Matthew 12:45; Hebrews 6:4-8).


7. "Baptism means immersion. If you're not dunking, you're not baptizing." ANSWER: The burden of proof is on you. Show me where Scripture says this. Pointing out all the references to baptism and saying "that means immersion" isn't good enough; that's circular reasoning. Besides, Mark 7:4 uses the Greek word "baptizein" to describe the washing of utensils and, if the "majority text" is to be believed, even tables. We know that this refers to a custom of sprinkling and not immersion. The example of church history, the historic water levels (and quality) in which early Christians were baptized, and even the most ancient church art depicting Jesus' Baptism do not support the immersion theory. Until you can produce better evidence than a dubious interpretation of one Greek verb, making immersion a "thus sayeth the Lord" dogmatic imperative is simply legalistic rubbish. After all, Baptism isn't about us crossing so many T's and dotting so many I's; it is about God working through His Word in the water. Viewed in that light, even a single drop of Baptismal water is as powerful as a brim-full dunk tank - which is way more powerful than Protestants care to admit anyway.


8. "When I look at all the people who were baptized in water/by sprinkling as infants, who lead wicked lives today, or don't go to church, or who speak coarsely and don't appear to be shining beacons of holiness, I can't help but conclude that their Baptism didn't take." ANSWER: When I consider all the great saints and heroes of the faith, including Luther, who were Baptized in such away, and survey the evidence of the Spirit at work in their lives and teaching, I can't help but come to the opposite conclusion. But I, for one, don't rest all my beliefs on an emotional conviction. I also hear the Word of God saying that Baptism sets us free from sin (see Romans 6:3-4; 1 Cor. 6:11; Gal. 3:26-29; Col. 2:11-12). In addition, God's Word also teaches us that we never achieve perfect holiness in this life, but are always struggling against the sinful nature (Rom. 7:7 ff; Gal. 5:17; James 4:1). Paul himself said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all" (1 Timothy 1:15). And Christ says, "Do not judge lest you be judged" (Matt. 7:1).

Given infinite time and space I could go on to point 9, point 10, etc. There seems to be no end of the ways Satan has perverted God's teaching on Baptism in the minds of Christians. And of course, the general answer to all of my arguments above will be (and has been) an indifferent yawn. Either there is another Bible verse to be quoted back at me (dollars to doughnuts, it will be quoted in total disregard of its context) or a dumb stare of incomprehension followed by a repeat of arguments already refuted. Either of which is little more than an admission of stiff-necked unbelief. Which is really sad when you realize that what they are resisting is nothing but an offer of pure, sweet, scott-free forgiveness and salvation.

• "If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water" (John 7:37-38).


• "And the Spirit and the bride say,'Come.' And let the one who hears say, 'Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost" (Revelation 22:17).

Parable of the Hospital

To what shall I compare this generation?

It is like unto the hospital where a certain woman went to find out if she had cancer. Instead of giving her cancer tests, they tested her personality, her reflexes, and her ability to tell red from blue. No one would talk to her about cancer; no one would say whether she had it or not.

Eventually, the lady’s family doctor called in a favor. An out-of-town oncologist did the right tests and confirmed she had cancer. The woman was admitted to the hospital. But instead of chemotherapy, the nurses and orderlies gave her aroma therapy, acupuncture, biofeedback, vegan food, and lectures on positive thinking. Instead of operating to remove the cancer, they gave her massages, played cheerful music on the PA system, feng shuied her room, and made her sleep in a hyperbaric chamber.

When the lady asked the bloodletter why no one was giving her radiation therapy, he scoffed at such a primitive and unscientific treatment, and continued tending his leeches. When she asked the psychic surgeon for an update on her condition, he gave her a blank look, then said of course, the lady was kidding; progress reports were bad for business! Suppose she was getting better; why, the HMO might discharge her! When the lady asked the resident clown (Swatch Madison) why the staff oncologist had never seen her, the clown giggled that the hospital had fired the oncologist; he was always giving patients news that got them down, and nobody liked that; the hospital knew all about giving people what they liked.

One day the lady stopped breathing. After attempting to resuscitate her for 45 minutes, the hospital staff discharged her for noncompliance with treatment. Funnily enough, a clerical error delayed notice of the lady's discharge from reaching the HMO by several days (and thousands of dollars).

Such is the present generation. Let him who has ears hear.

Cutting out the middle-man

Tonight my cats meowed for a treat, and though I usually give them crunchy, tartar control snacks (like Pounce and Whiska Lickins) I decided this time to open up one of those treat-sized cans of Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys that have come, like the toy in a box of Cracker Jack, in our recent pails of kitty litter.

The "Elegant Medley" described itself as "white meat chicken and whipped egg souffle with garden greens." Based on this description, it would seem sinful to feed it to cats. But once I had opened the can and emptied it onto a plate, I realized it had the exact color and consistency, and not far from the smell, of a large glop of cat puke.

I wondered if I shouldn't just grind it into the carpet and cut out the middle-man...

Parable of the Spring

To what shall I compare this generation?

It is like unto a city whose streets overflowed with filth. These open sewers drained into the river below the town. From the same river, the people of the city took the water they used for cooking, washing, and drinking. Understandably, many people became sick, and some died.

On a mountain above the city, there lived a rich man. The well on his land was fed by a spring of pure, clean water. Why, then, would he carry buckets of water up from the river and pour them into his well? What would be the result if he did such a thing? Should he not rather build a pipeline to carry water from his spring down the mountain to the people of the city?

Let him hear who has ears.

Counties

For some odd reason, I always take note of what county I'm in - not just where I live, or where I visit, but even the counties I just drive through. Having traveled over a lot of the country, in lived in a lot of different parts of it, the county as a political and geographical unit has grabbed my imagination. When I see a beautiful vista, I file it in my mind under the name of the county I saw it in. When I move to a new state (which I do often enough), I acquaint myself with the towns in my county and the surrounding counties. I have even been known to flip through pictures of county courthouses.

OK, so I'm weird. I have no end of interests that would bore any normal person.

Somewhere along the line, I compiled the following statistics that may or may not interest you. I may have made a few errors in my reckoning, but here goes.

Did you know that thirteen different states have a Carroll County? Most of them are named after Charles Carroll of Carrollton (1737-1832; fig. 1), the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. However, Tennessee's Carroll County is named after William Carroll (1788-1844), who was governor of the state on two different occasions.

Thirteen states is nothing. Fourteen states have a Greene County, and there are also 14 Warren Counties in the U.S. All of these counties are named after one American Revolutionary War general or another. The Greenes are named after Nathanael Greene (1742-86; fig. 2), a self-taught soldier who rose through the ranks during the Revolutionary War to become a major general and George Washington's ablest commander. Greene has been quoted saying, "We fight, get beat, rise, and fight again." He died of sunstroke only three years after the war ended.

Then there's General Joseph Warren (1741-1775; fig. 3), who was killed at Bunker Hill. Guy only lives to be my age, gets 14 counties named after him. Hmm.

Anyway, the tie between Greene and Warren is broken by the fact that two states can't spell. Kentucky and Wisconsin have counties named Green that are allegedly named after Greene.

There are counties in 14 states, plus a parish in Louisiana, named Grant. The Indiana one is named after Capts. Stewart and Moss Grant of Kentucky. The Kentucky one is named after Col. John Grant. I assume all the other Grant Counties are named after Civil War General and two-term president Ulysses S. Grant, though Wikipedia only states this positively in 4 or 5 instances. However, the seat of Grant County, Kansas, is Ulysses; and the seat of Grant Parish, Louisiana, is Colfax (Schuyler Colfax was Vice President during Grant's first term as President). Interestingly, the counties of Grant in Arkansas, Kansas, and Kentucky are all more or less "dry" counties, prohibiting or limiting the sale of alcoholic drink. Too bad Grant wasn't a dry president.

Another Revolutionary War General, "Mad" Anthony Wayne (1745-96; fig. 4), is the namesake of at least most of 16 U.S. counties named Wayne. Wikipedia claims there are 15 Wayne Counties, but they left the one in Mississippi off the list. See? I'm not a slave to Wiki after all. Anyway, one Wayne county is particularly noteworthy: the one in Michigan has Detroit in it. And one Wayne county, the one in Utah, may have been named after the son of a state legislator - or after Mad Anthony. No one knows for sure!

You think I'm done, but I'm not even close. Marion and Monroe counties exist in 17 states - each. The Monroes are all named after 5th President of the US James Monroe (1758-1831; fig. 5), one of only three US Presidents to die on the 4th of July. His presidency is known as the "Era of Good Feeling," probably because nobody remembers anything about it. He is tied with Gen. Francis Marion (1732-95; fig. 6), a Revolutionary War hero whose guerilla tactics earned him the nickname "the Swamp Fox." Actually, Marion County, Kansas, is named after Marion County, Ohio, but since the Ohio one is named after Francis, it comes to the same thing. Two state capitals are in a Marion County - Salem, Oregon; and Indianapolis.

There are 17 counties of Union, plus a Union Parish in Louisiana. Amazingly, none of these counties are named after a Revolutionary War General. Interestingly, 7 of these states seceded from the Union during the US Civil War.

There are 18 Montgomery Counties, mainly named after Revolutionary War General (like, duh) Richard Montgomery (1736-75), who died at the battle of Quebec. If you've never heard of him, this just shows you should study your country's history a bit more. 36% of all US States seemed to think he was worth remembering. Some states aren't sure Richard is the Montgomery in question; Tennesseeans are pretty sure their county is named after a local settler named John, and Texans claim their Montgomery County is named after a local settler named Andrew.

There are also 18 Clay Counties. Henry Clay (1777-1852; fig. 7) was a powerful Kentucky congressman and later senator, at a time when congress was really the driving force in the US government. Clay is considered one of the handful of greatest senators in US history. He brokered the Missouri Compromise (1820) and the Compromise of 1850, which staved off the Civil War for a while. This earned him the nickname "The Great Compromiser." Actually the Clay Counties in Iowa and Kentucky are named after relatives of Henry Clay, while the one in Arkansas was shortened from Clayton County and so doesn't have anything to do with Henry C.

A whopping 20 states have Madison Counties. The one with the bridges (if anyone remembers the movie The Bridges of Madison County) is in Iowa. All of them, as far as I know, are named directly or indirectly after James Madison (1751-1836, fig. 8), fourth President of the US, and one of the key designers of the US Constitution. Madison co-wrote the Federalist Papers which helped persuade the voters to ratify the constitution; he wrote the Bill of Rights that became Amendments 1-10 of our constitution; and was also the first graduate student at Princeton. Not bad for the schmuck who blundered into the war of 1812 and lived to see Washington captured by the British and the White House in flames. His other notable achievement is burying two (2) Vice Presidents, one dying in office during each of his two terms as President.

You ain't seen nothin' yet. There is a Lincoln County (or Lincoln Parish) in 24 states - half of the lower 48! Not all of these Lincolns, however, are named after Honest Abe. Some of them are named after Revolutionary War General (of course) Benjamin Lincoln (1733-1810; fig. 9). The story goes that British General Cornwallis was so humiliated at his defeat at Yorktown that he refused to surrender his sword in person, sending a subordinate in his place. Washington retaliated by sending Gen. Lincoln to accept Cornwallis' sword. By the way, the Lincoln County in Nebraska is not where the capital city of Lincoln is located.

23 counties and 1 parish are also named Jackson, mostly after War of 1812 hero and 6th President of the US Andrew Jackson (1767-1845), the dude on the $20 bill. Which, contrary to the standard view of American history, makes Jackson 4 times as valuable as Lincoln. In Michigan they call Jackson County one of the "cabinet counties," because quite a few counties were named after members of Jackson's cabinet. See? It pays to know people. Significant Jackson Counties include the one in Missouri (where Kansas City is situated). Insignificant ones include the one in Mississippi, where the capital city of Jackson is not situated.

Leaving Abe and Andy to duke it out, it's interesting to find that someone who was neither a President, nor a Senator, nor a General, beats them both. Franklin County can be found in 24 states, plus Louisiana has a Franklin Parish (pretty much the same thing). The only one not named after US founding father Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) is the one in Idaho, which (ahem) perhaps not surprisingly (ahem) is named after an Apostle of the LDS Church, Franklin D. Richards.

But even Franklin isn't the big winner. Holding 2nd place at 25 counties and 1 parish is Jefferson. It would be amazing if all of these were not named (at least indirectly) after Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), 3rd President of the US, author of the Declaration of Independence, and the early Republic's greatest all-around renaissance man. Some of the counties named after him are pretty important. The one in Alabama has Birmingham in it. The one in Kentucky has Louisville in it. The one in Colorado contains the state center of population. The one in Pennsylvania is home to Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog that predicts when winter will end on February 2. The one in Mississippi is statistically the most African-American, and the most obese, county in the US.

But the grand prize goes to our nation's first president, George Washington (1732-1799), who has 30 counties and 1 parish named after him - over 3/5 of the states. Washington was also, natch, a Revolutionary War General. Among the counties named after him are the birthplace of Capt. James T. Kirk (in Iowa) and the capital of Vermont (Montpelier). Also, a portion of the District of Columbia was once called Washington County, and an additional Washington County in South Dakota merged with 3 other counties in 1943. Even with this attrition, President George the First remains top dog in the historical honor roll of our nation's counties. If you have done any interstate traveling, chances are good that you have gone through a county named after the "father of our country." But chances are also good, if you don't know who Benjamin Lincoln or Richard Montgomery were, you could also stand to learn more about what Washington did to make it possible for you to live in this wonderful country.

My Favorite Insults

Now and then I note down a line that comes to me, crying out for a story to live in. In some cases, I can never come up with a story good enough, so I'm left with a good line dangling loose. Among these are my two favorite bitchy remarks.

Best response to a long, prolix, officialese utterance:
"Your words swarm, but they do not sting."

Best memo to a high-living writer who doesn't keep deadlines:
"Get your ars longa in here, or I'll make sure you have a vita brevis."

Sketches from Travel

Now I'm really scraping the bottom, as to lines I can own without much shame. The following group of Haiku was my diary of an interstate trip one summer in the 1990s. They are, thank God, the only serious Haiku I ever attempted.

I
morning sun, diffused
in misty woods, joins gloom to
liquid light

II
headlamps in fog less
light my way than show others
where I am

III
fish-flies swarm for miles
above the road, like a highway
in the sky

IV
summer-surfeited:
how gladly my burnt bones greet
thunder’s knock

V
dead bird at roadside:
your nest unbuilt, unguarded—
what of mine?

VI
as each truck passes
how the bridge shakes: man’s mighty
works and craft

VII
rain on the windshield
wipes the road away: nature
thwarting man