The Breadwinner

I went to see The Breadwinner last night in the local movie theater, under protest. I never expected it to be a good movie, but nothing else that I wanted to see was materializing, and I just needed to go out. So I saw it with super-low expectations and the only surprise I can report is that I actually made it through the whole thing. I seriously entertained the idea of walking out as early as four minutes into the movie, and at regular intervals throughout. It had some cute moments but it didn't exactly elicit belly laughs.

The movie is about a dad, played by standup comedian Nate Bargatze, who has to shift from being the breadwinner (the top Toyota salesman in his city) to a stay-at-home dad to three girls when his wife sells a share of her spiffy invention to one of the sharks on Shark Tank. Of course he's dreadful at it, and he doesn't actually get better. The disaster gets worse and worse, and it isn't just bad luck. It's bad character.

As a comic actor, Nate Bargatze lacks a certain something. Perhaps the best example is the scene where he gets his nose hair waxed. I had seen trailers for the movie that left in footage of his reaction that the movie wisely edited out. A talented comedic actor would have made the audience laugh. Bargatze? Crickets. If the aim of comedy is to make you squirm with discomfort and feel that people like you, as a group, are being treated as lame-ass morons, this movie succeeded brilliantly. I didn't like Nate's character and I wasn't particularly fond of the characters playing off of him.

The movie features Mandy Moore (A Walk to Remember) as Nate's wife, Zach Cherry (Severance) as his boss, Kumail Nanjiani (Silicon Valley) as a rival salesman, SNL cast members Colin Jost and Will Forte as a (cough) rival house-dad and an incompetent roofing contractor respectively, and Brett Cullen (Lost, The West Wing) as Nate's dad who mostly helps out by eating pistachios and napping on the couch. And of course, the sharks as themselves. For what it's worth.

If any Three Scenes Made It For Me, and I did after all stay to watch the whole movie, it would have to be (1) Nate goes back to his dealership after assuming stay-at-home-dad duty and finds that Mr. "The Pecs Get the Checks" has already replaced him as the top salesman. (2) The youngest daughter's pet horse goes ape and destroys the house. (3) The Über Eats driver imagines himself as a member of the happy family – though this type of joke (also involving the roofing guy) has already been played several times.

For me, much of the pleasure of watching this movie came from the subversive thoughts that arose within me, imagining it ending with Nate getting divorced and losing visitation rights of his girls. I'm just a vindictive swine. But it would be a more believable ending than what the movie gave us. And I hasten to add that the closing credits featured excerpts from Bargatze's stand-up, on which the movie was apparently based, and that was no funnier. If anything good comes out of this movie, let it spare us further unfunny comedies based on Nate Bargatze's unfunny comedy.

Backrooms

I have given a lot of thought to this review, and it keeps coming down to four simple words: What. the. actual. f*ck.

When I went to the movies today, I was thinking about watching three horror flicks in a row: Backrooms, Obsession and Passenger. I mean, if you're going to return to the horror genre after many years away, why not go back in a big way, right? Well, by the end of this movie I'd had all the creeps I could absorb on one occasion. And that includes the trailers (one for an upcoming Insidious movie was particularly hairraising). I don't even know how to describe this movie. It's unlike anything I've seen before, for sure. It's an impressive directorial debut by Kane Parsons, based on his own web series. It apparently made back its entire $10 million production budget in a single day, a Thursday preview. And if your question is whether it's scary, let me just say ... It's like a nightmare. No, a nightmare within a nightmare. Nested nightmares all the way down. The kind of nightmare from which you struggle to the surface, only to find yourself inside another nightmare. And after doing this several times over, it turns out to be not even your nightmare, but somebody else's.

It's a movie in which unhappy people find their way into a strange place that brings their unhappiness to a horrific pitch. Central to it are the manager of a failing furniture store – you never once see a customer in it; at one time he tells his assistant manager that she can open the store and she's like, "It's already open" – who is seeing a shrink to deal with the character problems that have led to him being alone in life, and the shrink who carries her own burden of disturbing childhood memories. They're played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and Renate Reinsve, respectively. With a minimum of other speaking characters, it creates a mindscape of florid insanity out of what seems like a bland, windowless, labyrinthine office building that Ejiofor's character literally stumbles into through an invisible doorway (like walking right through a wall) in his store's basement showroom. He later describes it as a place that contains all places that have ever been, badly remembered; designed as if by a being who had never seen a building before but to whom one had been described. And it has evil things in it. Or maybe he's the evil thing? Not sure that makes it less horrid.

I'm going to get right to the Three Scenes That Made It For Me before I get too close to bedtime to have any hope of getting to sleep tonight. (1) The awful results when Ejiofor tries to recruit his assistant manager and her boyfriend to help him document the strange place he has discovered. (2) The shrink tells her patient off, screaming that he's to blame for all the unhappiness in his life and not for the reason he thinks, and that there's no point in trying to change; she can't help him. Just when it seems like the nightmare might be about to end, it turns a corner into an entirely new nightmare. (3) Reinsve's desperate struggle to escape. Does she succeed? Does she? Does she? DOES SHE??? Well, that was a topic of debate that I overheard spilling out of the theater into the adjacent shopping mall after the movie ended. I'm not sure I buy the explanation one filmgoer was trying to give the other. All I can say, in the last analysis, and with as much seriousness and eloquence as I can muster, is: What. the. actual. F*CK!

Pressure

I looked up the movie showtimes in Detroit Lakes, Minn., about 45 minutes away from where I live, and lo, this movie was starting in 46 minutes. One showing only. I hopped in my car on a beautiful Memorial Day afternoon and made it just on time for what must be a sneak preview of the film, which is supposed to open next Friday. I saw it with exactly one other person, a random lady who couldn't stop gushing about how good it was, afterward. I had never heard anything about it before but based on a two-sentence synopsis and the poster, I couldn't not go to see Pressure, a movie about the meteorologists whose weather forecast led Gen. Dwight "Ike" Eisenhower to move the date of D-Day from June 5 to June 6, 1944.

Sound like riveting stuff it does not. But actually it's a very absorbing film, featuring Brendan Fraser in a performance as Eisenhower that blazes with power (but also a little tortured self-doubt). A couple of times his image on the screen hit me and I thought, "I'm actually looking at Eisenhower." You know, for about two seconds. Alongside him are Andrew Scott (Sherlock, Fleabag, Ripley) as a Scots meteorologist named Stagg, Chris Messina (Julie and Julia) as the American expert named Crick with whom he butts heads, Damian Lewis (Homeland) as a Bernard Montgomery who all but orders Stagg to give the D-Day invasion a rosy forecast and then throws a screaming hissy-fit when the evidence doesn't support that conclusion, and Kerry Condon as Ike's Irish aide, Kay Summersby.

So, Stagg shows up at Ike's headquarters five days before the initial date set for D-Day (June 5) and receives orders to present a forecast by the following morning. Crick, who has advised Ike on his African campaigns, wants to present a calm, sunny outlook based on similar conditions in a couple of previous years. But Stagg is like, "Weather systems don't repeat. We need to go where the data takes us," and the data takes him to a dire forecast that would spell disaster for the invasion. The word "pressure" takes on multiple meanings as these men, and Ike and Monty, and more, feel immense pressure about a gambit that could win or lose the whole war against Hitler's Germany. But also, you know, barometric pressure. Plus, there's a subplot in which the hospital where Stagg's very pregnant wife has gone to deliver the baby gets bombed and nobody can tell whether she survived. Kay rightly tells Ike that if he keeps being too hard on Stagg, he could crack.

Anyway, I drove home from D.L. thinking about how this movie could almost be produced as a stage play, though I couldn't make out how the scenes at the beginning and end – the first revealing that Mrs. Stagg is preggers, and the second revealing her fate and that of their baby – could be told any way but cinematically. Like, the camera can choose to reveal her baby bump only when Stagg turns back for a final look at his wife, before leaving for Whatsit's House; whereas an audience at a stage production will spot it as soon as the lights come up. Likewise, the camera can bring the Mrs. and Stagg Jr. into focus only when Stagg himself sees them, but again, there's no hiding them in a live performance from stage left, stage right and the nosebleed seats. At least some of the audience will know before it's expedient to the storytelling. But between those bookends, I thought, the drama could have played out on a stage ... and now I read that's exactly how this film started out, as a stage play by David Haig.

I'm very honored to have gotten an early look at a movie that, in the U.K., won't be officially released until September. Memorial Day was a good day for it. The gravity of the sacrifices that must be made to fight against world Fascism, and the importance of sparing lives from being spent in vain, wasn't lost on even such a commander as Ike, who also had to put up with a subordinate (Monty) who openly sneered at his lack of battlefield experience. Also, it isn't every day you see a war film in which the crucial turn of the plot happens when, in the middle of singing "All Creatures of Our God and King," a worshiping congregation's ears catch the sound of a rainstorm rolling in. Not to take anything away from the grueling images of the initial carnage on Utah and Omaha beaches, but the turning point of this movie is really when Stagg finally declares Crick's theory to be a load of horseshit and Ike believes him. Well, that and what happens when the two rival weather guys finally put their heads together and give Ike an alternative.

Three Scenes That Made It For Me: (1) The scene in which Stagg finally raises his voice in front of Ike's general staff, convincing him to call off the plans for June 5. (2) Kay asks Ike if she can drive to the hospital to see if Mrs. Stagg made it through, and Ike says no. And, putting her in her place, "Dismissed, lieutenant." Despite a hint of some tenderness between them (from her to him, at least), the movie doesn't have the bad taste to insinuate that they were actually a thing, and if it came close to lighting that flame, this moment efficiently snuffed it out. (3) The words Stagg says as Ike is about to storm out of the room: "The Germans will never see it." And finally, when asked if he's absolutely sure, Stagg says yes.

Two Movie Reviews

A couple weekends ago, I found time to see The Sheep Detectives, a film whose title tells you exactly what it's about. Yes, a flock of sheep solves the murder of their shepherd, helping the inept local constable spot clues he otherwise would have missed. Despite not being the brightest of species (in fact, they have a way of forgetting things they find too painful to think about), they are aided in the case by one ewe's particularly keen mind, a certain ram's wisdom (he's the exception to the rule about being able to forget), the courage of the black sheep of the flock and the outcast, winter lamb's observant mind.

Playing human characters in the movie are Hugh Jackman as the murder victim, Nicholas Braun (Succession) as the town cop, Nicholas Galitzine (Red, White and Royal Blue) as a reporter who offers to help solve the case, Molly Gordon (Theater Camp) as the shepherd's daughter who becomes a suspect, Tosin Cole (Doctor Who) as a rival shepherd, Hong Chau (an Oscar nominee for The Whale) as an abrasive inkeeper, and Emma Thompson as an estate lawyer. Meanwhile, on the voice cast side (as various sheep) you'll hear the voices of Patrick Stewart (Star Trek, The X-Men), Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld, Veep), Chris O'Dowd (The IT Crowd), Bella Ramsey (Game of Thrones, The Worst Witch), Brett Goldstein (Ted Lasso) and Laraine Newman (an original cast member of Saturday Night Live).

The sheep characters are beautifully portrayed by I know not what movie magic; I'd rather not dig too deeply and find out they were all CGI. There are some belly laughs, a lot of wit, a wonderful variety of characters and heartfelt relationships, some very sad and touching moments, and of course the adventure the sheep have, with their whole interesting way of viewing the world. As for the mystery, which is the main thrust of the storyline, I had kind of guessed whodunit at an early stage and wasn't terribly surprised to be proven right. But you decide for yourself if it's a stimulating mystery.

Three Scenes That Made It For Me: (1) Sebastian, the solitary ram who low-key keeps the other sheep safe, tells the story of how he became part of the flock. It's a very moving moment. He has another, but I won't spoil that for you. (2) The town cop finally figures out what the sheep have been trying to tell him, and solves the case. (3) When Lily, the hero ewe, finally realizes the error of the sheep's little way of forgetting painful subjects, but can't stop the flock from pulling the wool over their own eyes. Pun intended.

My next trip to the movies, some week ago or so, was to see In the Grey featuring Jake Gyllenhaal, Henry Cavill and Cavill's The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare costar, Eiza González as the leaders of a group that operates in a legally gray area, for example, to collect a $1 billion debt owed by a vicious crime lord. Rachel (González) flexes legal muscle to pressure Salazar to cough up, while Sid (Cavill) and Bronco (Gyllenhaal) lead a six-man team to infiltrate and sabotage Salazar's operation on an island where he basically owns the police force, to say nothing of a small private army. Then they just have to protect Rachel and, not if but when things go pear-shaped, facilitate her escape. Much of the movie is devoted to their preparation to do this, but as the saying goes (I know, I've quoted it often), no plan survives contact with the enemy.

Gyllenhaal and Cavill have an interesting chemistry. As Sid, a.k.a. "Capt. Sensible," Cavill is cool, stoic, unflappable and methodical. As Bronco, Gyllenhaal is flamboyant and mouthy, given to improvisation and emotional outbursts. In one scene the pair pretends to be a married couple and when, later, Bronco sends Sid off (to get himself arrested so he can case the local jail) with an "I love you," you're suddenly not sure it was a ruse. But machismo is all over this movie. Even the women are tough (Rosamund Pike plays a hard-bitten executive with their client). Carlos Bardem, Javier's brother, is here as Salazar. Kristofer Hivju (Game of Thrones) plays Salazar's security chief, and his lawyer is Fisher Stevens of hilarious Short Circuit memory (and also an Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker).

The movie is written and directed by Guy Ritchie, on whose uneven output I've commented before (probably in my review of The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare). Based on how much fun I had watching this, he should keep making things with Cavill and González, preferably also with Gyllenhaal, ideally playing the same characters, if he can manage to extend the franchise without, well, sucking. Because as I've mentioned in previous reviews, when he's on his game, he makes brilliant pieces of entertainment ... and when he's off, it's [choose your favorite expletive] disaster. He's definitely on in this movie.

Three Scenes That Made It For Me: (1) Preparing to extract Rachel from the bar where she stops for a cold one after bearding Salazar in his den. They know the heavies are going to make a move, and the build-up to the inevitable action-fest is exquisitely suspenseful. (2) Just when you think they've gotten away from Salazar, the bad guys catch up with Rachel. Uh-oh!! (3) The whole rear-guard action as the team escapes from Salazar's island for the last time, including once again an action scene that doubles as a suspense extravaganza. Will they get the traps they set in the "Banana Pie" sector to work on time? Will the last good guy make it out of the villa alive? Will Bronco, Sid and Rachel make it to the boat when there's a helicopter chasing their buggy? It doesn't just deliver explosions. It makes you scoot forward on your seat, chewing on your knuckles.

Duplicate Puzzle Non-Tutorial

You might be thinking, "One (or two) of these things is not like the others." But actually, quite the opposite is true. In this picture are four pairs of 3D twisty puzzles, each of which is exactly the same puzzle. On the far left are the Super Ivy Cube (at front) and the Rex Cube, corner-turning puzzles that I've discussed before. They look a bit different from each other but aren't. Don't let Super Ivy's gentler curves fool you. Other than the fact that it turns more smoothly and with less propensity for locking up on you, or even shedding pieces that can only be snapped back into place through frustrating struggle, its solution is exactly the same as the Rex.

The second pair, from front to back, are the Eight Petal Cube and the Redi Cube. Unlike Rex and Super Ivy, I didn't order them knowing they were the same puzzle. I bought Eight Petal expecting it to be something else; I must not have looked very closely at the image on the website where I ordered it, or else I wasn't reasoning clearly about it. But yes, it does exactly what Redi does, only with more gracefully rounded cuts between the moving pieces. It moves very smoothly – they both do, really – but the Eight Petal Cube is smooth-turning to a fault: to the point where you have to be careful how you hold it or you'll turn it by accident, and where turning it just the way you intend can be tricky when it's trying to turn two or three different ways at once.

Second from the right, at front, is the good ol' 2-Cube, a.k.a. Rubik's Mini Cube. Hard to believe, but that strange object behind it, called the Magic Eye Cube more because of its eye motif than for any actual resemblance to a cube, is essentially the same puzzle. When it arrived last week or so, I was flummoxed for a minute before I could work out how the pieces were supposed to move. I actually pulled up a video tutorial and only had to watch about 5 seconds of it before I realized what my problem was: Magic Eye's corners are inverted. Concave. So that bit of cube facing forward in the picture is actually the same green, orange and white corner as the top front corner of the 2x2x2 next to it. Once you realize that it's flipped inside out like an optical illusion of a cube where the corners poke inward instead of outward, solving it exactly like a 2-Cube becomes possible. And oddly satisfying, with the guts exposed to view. Except when the layers lock up, which they do if you try to twist it while everything isn't perfectly aligned.

Finally, yes, we have a banana. I couldn't resist. And I've scrambled it and solved it, so I can verify that it scrambles and solves exactly like the 223 cuboid at front right. A few of the pieces (especially the corner pieces at the back of the banana) are similar in size and shape, but not so similar that you can't tell when they're not in the right place. Transferring the cuboid concept into banana form does generate some shape-changing oddness, and forces you to reason not so much from color but from the shape you're trying to restore, which piece needs to go where. But remember your algorithms. I mean, it's just two steps plus a couple of final cases, remember?

So, there are no new procedures to demonstrate this time. No tutorial necessary! And therefore, since shooting pictures of a sample solve is low-key a pain in the butt, I'm not doing it. Have a banana. Go outside and touch grass. Feed some ducks. And see you later!

Capybara Rescue

I just dreamed that I came home for lunch and found my brother Ryan sitting in an armchair, watching three capybaras napping on a greasy blanket on the couch.

I say to him, "There seem to be three capybaras on the couch." He says, "I know." I say, "Why are there three capybaras on the couch?" He says, "I saw an ad that (name of community) Capybara Rescue was having a fostering program and I thought it sounded great." I said, "Sure it'll be great, until the living room starts to smell like an Iowa feed lot." Then I woke up mad at my brother.

The truly daft part about this dream is that I don't actually have an armchair.

Now to see if I can get back to sleep again. ...

Art: Photo by Karoly Lorentey, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.

592. Prayer for Mistreated Ministers

For my friend and brother, Alan Kornacki Jr. Art: Window in the Apse of St. Ignatius Church, Chestnut Hill, Mass., photograph by John P. Workman, Jr., licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License. Tune: LOB SEI DEM ALLMÄCHTIGEN GOTT by Johann Crüger, †1662, the tune to "Great God, a blessing from your throne" in Lutheran Book of Worship, "Not always on the mount may we" and "O Paschal Feast, what joy is thine" in Service Book and Hymnal. Or whatever.

Remember, God, Your children's need!
Stand watch, we pray, upon Your seed:
Your living and abiding word,
At work where it is preached and heard.

Uphold, dear Christ, the men You call
To speak Your truth to one and all.
Through their reproof our steps correct;
Put what they promise to effect.

Look, Lord! How Satan sows his tares
And sets out stumbling blocks and snares
To hinder, if he can, the feet
That carry news of comfort sweet!

Look how this age's tyrant tries
To curb Your word, preferring lies,
And what devices he has brought
To set Your servants' work at naught!

Look how false brethren daily rise
To do what seems right in their eyes;
How some, who churchly power claim,
Betray those branded with Your name!

Before their strength is fully spent,
Bid every help to them be sent;
Let even us, with spirit bold,
Mistreated ministers uphold.

For if no trusty heralds go,
Lord, how can we Your tidings know?
Inhale the prayers the faithful burn,
The incense of our heart's concern!