303. Parables Hymn

Here's a hymn I posted piecemeal while it was under construction so it might perhaps benefit from friendly suggestions and feedback – to which I'm still open. It's another long one, but of the type that can be broken up into shorter segments for, say, a sermon series on selected parables, by just singing the first and last verse and plugging the gap in the middle with whichever stanza is relevant to the present lesson. I haven't covered every single thing in the teaching of Jesus that flies under the pennant of a parable, but you have to quit somewhere. I decided to do so when I reached a point where I felt like I was repeating myself, and then deleted a partially complete stanza to repent of that sin. Like a lot of my longer hymns, it gives me the ironic satisfaction of being really economical with the material – an impression that may not hit you right away, given how much material that was. Anyway, the tune I have in mind for it is JESU, MEINES LEBENS LEBEN – perhaps known to you with "Christ, the Life of all the living," one of my favorite Lenten hymns.

Jesus, e'er in figures speaking,
Longing eyes and hearts to bless:
Needy souls, God's favor seeking,
You enrich with righteousness;
Yet these words cause those who grumble
In still deeper gloom to stumble.
(Refrain:) Help, Lord Jesus! Teacher dear,
Give us ears Your truth to hear.

(Mustard seed, leaven)
Thus the kingdom of the heavens,
Like the tiny mustard seed
And the crumb that much dough leavens,
Grows and spreads with wondrous speed.
Where Your doctrine is implanted
Faith and life are richly granted. (Refrain)

(Strong man armed, unclean spirits)
With the strong man you have striven,
Leaving bound our former lord;
Demons, to waste places driven,
Find their homeward threshold barred,
For the Spirit whom You send us
Will indwell us and defend us. (Refrain)

(Hidden treasure, pearl)
As a man found hidden treasure,
Selling all to buy that field,
Son of God, it was Your pleasure
For mankind Your flesh to yield:
By Your suffering and dying
One dear pearl, salvation, buying. (Refrain)

(Wicked tenants, Good Samaritan)
You are He whose tenants reasoned
They should slay their Landlord's Son;
He whose way with pain was seasoned,
All flesh to redeem as one.
While at You men were offended,
You the sinner's wounds attended. (Refrain)

(Lost coin, sheep)
Like that wife, the corners combing
One lost coin to find and keep;
Like the shepherd, pastures roaming,
Leaving all to find one sheep,
Hark! Your angels sing with gladness
When one sinner turns from badness. (Refrain)

(Unmerciful slave, two debtors)
Lo, the slave forgiven many
Yet begrudged a paltry few!
Let us, rather, pardon any,
Knowing what we owe to You:
Freely as we have been shriven,
From our hearts to give as given. (Refrain)

(Vineyard laborers, prodigal son)
As a farmer one wage offers
Those who little toil or much,
One reward Your kindness offers;
Guard our hearts from envy's clutch.
Yea, the Father's love is burning
For the prodigal's returning. (Refrain)

(Unrighteous judge, dishonest steward)
Even the unrighteous sleeper
Woke to hear the widow pray;
And the devious bookkeeper
Gave his master's bond away:
So we know our prayers will find You
And Your word of grace must bind You. (Refrain)

(Rich fool, talents)
Let us not, with greedy pleasure,
Store up this life's fleeting things
Nor employ with grudging measure
All the gifts Your kindgom brings.
Make us stewards, true and fervent,
Till You cry, "Well done, good servant." (Refrain)

(Salt, light)
Since with us the world is salted,
Let Your favor on it smile;
With its dissolution halted,
Faith may flavor it awhile.
Grant that such light through us blazes
As to draw the nations' gazes. (Refrain)

(Sower, vine and branches)
You have sowed Your word among us,
Though the devil's wiles attack;
Woes and wealth have choked or stung us;
Your own hand has pruned us back.
By Your vigor, flowing in us,
Unto fruitful harvest win us. (Refrain)

(Tower, warring king)
When a builder starts a tower,
Does he not first count the cost,
And a warring king his power
Lest his campaign should be lost?
As we bear our cross, dear Master,
Lead us on despite disaster. (Refrain)

(Dragnet, sheep and goats, tares)
Soon Your angels, You exhort us,
Will with keen discernment come,
As good fish from bad to sort us,
Sheep from goat, each to its home.
Till then, help us be forbearing,
Neither weed nor corn up-tearing. (Refrain)

(Fig tree, wedding feast, ten virgins)
See, the signs are multiplying
Of Your coming marriage feast!
Bid us come as day is dying,
Though unworthiest and least;
Found awake at Your returning,
Lamps alit with hopeful yearning. (Refrain)

(Last stanza)
Lord, whose word is never broken,
Give clear vision to our eyes.
Let the secrets You have spoken
To salvation make us wise,
Till the seed You here are sowing
Blossoms into blessed knowing. (Refrain)

Parable of the Car Cake

I recently saw a video in which an executive at a major supplier of Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Food (coughkraftcough) was quoted saying something to the effect that it might as well be considered cheese because it contains all the components of cheese. This rather reminded me of the claim that used to be kicked in my eyes like so much sand that certain books (coughleftbehindcough) should be considered Christian because they contain biblical themes. To what shall I compare these amazing claims? He (or she) who has ears to hear, let him (or her) hear...

Suppose I set out a huge mixing bowl and blended some eggs, milk, vanilla extract, flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, and a pinch of salt. Then suppose I continued to add the following ingredients: 1 cup ground aluminum steel, 1/2-cup ground cast iron, 1/2-cup shredded plastic, 1/4-cup crushed glass, 1 cup diced rubber, 2 tbsp. motor oil, 2 tbsp. gasoline, 1 tsp. antifreeze/coolant, 1/2 tsp. brake fluid, 1/2 tsp. transmission fluid, a splash of windshield washer fluid, a spritz of mercury vapor, ceramic dust to taste. Stir together and pour into a cake pan. Bake in a really hot oven for, like, ages. Test done with a toothpick. Allow to cool on a wire rack. Frost with automotive paint and sprinkle with bits of copper wire, leather zest, and a few other trace materials.

Hey, that cake contains pretty much all the components of an automobile. So, voila! I've just baked you a car!

Razing Arizona: A Parable

To what may I compare the politics of the present generation?

How about this map of Arizona. Just look at it. Have you ever seen a more unequal distribution of altitude? The difference between the highest elevation (12,633 feet at Humphreys Peak) and the lowest (70 feet above sea level, on the Colorado River) is horrendous. While a very small percentage of the state's area is at a lofty elevation above 9,000 feet, the Colorado Plateau forms a big, bourgeois, middle class of elevations between 4,000 (the statewide average) and 8,000 feet. A significant part of the state - almost the whole southwest quarter of the state, in fact - is below the average, with the hottest, driest, loneliest parts of the state forming a basin ranging below 3,000, 2,000, or even 1,000 feet above sea level.

Having lived there two and a half years, I can personally bear witness that life in Yuma - one of Arizona's lowest, hottest, and least rainy areas - is completely unbearable from May to September. Forget it. Only scorpions, Gila monsters, saguaro cacti, and the occasional javelina can survive there, without terraforming projects on the order of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The planet Tatooine is literally just across the river, which means California gets all the tax revenue from the Mos Eisley cantina. (It's also the planet from the original "Stargate" movie, but I digress.)

Arizonans Against Altitude Inequality (A3I) recognized the injustice of these disparities. So they got a constitutional amendment on the state's referendum ballot to shave the top 3,633 feet off the state's elevation. What area really needs to be higher than 9,000 feet, anyway? All prominences above that altitude will be converted into gravel and either thrown into the Grand Canyon, or spread around that big basin in the southwest part of the state, depending on which version of the ballot language gets the final nod from the Commission for Elevation Equalization (CEE), which the amendment will establish. Just think how much that gravel will raise the elevation of the low desert!

Just think!

All right, that amount of gravel - or the parts of it that don't end up being sold to road paving companies, with profits to be disbursed at the CEE's discretion - won't raise the elevation of that basin by any measurable amount, but it will close the gap (by up to 3,633 feet!) between the highest and the lowest points in the state. Plus, the CEE will continue to entertain proposals about shaving off even more of the rock from the higher-altitude regions of Arizona, and perhaps moving some of the middling-high peaks more-or-less intact to lower areas.

Sure, the net result will only be that the highest elevation in the state becomes lower, and maybe establishing a few additional high-ish spots (though they'll never be quite as high). And of course, those high altitudes, and whatever benefits or resources depended on them, will be gone for good. But at least the playing field, by which I mean the desert, will be more level on average. Right?

Let him hear who has ears. Let him think who has something between them.

Parable of the Software Update

To what shall I compare the kingdom of heaven?

It is like a software operating system whose manufacturer sent out regular updates to patch security problems. As users connected to the internet, their computers downloaded and installed new software to protect them from the threat of malicious programs. The need for these updates was endless, because hackers were always creating new ways to infiltrate people's computers, either to steal private data or simply to wreak havoc.

But some users opted out of the automatic updates because they were concerned about the installation tying up their machine when they were trying to use it. They also wanted to avoid the risk of glitches caused by mistakes in the software manufacturer's code. But mostly they just resented the company for being smug, controlling and anti-competitive.

So they refused to permit the patches to install on their system without their direct consent. And more often than not, they let the updates slide. They lost track of when new patches were coming out. Sometimes they went long periods without an update. And so one by one their computers were crashed by malware threats they were not protected from.

Let the one hear who has ears to hear.

Two Gruesome Parables

Everyone is a theologian. Most people are bad theologians, that's all. Some theologians, like my late stepfather, consider themselves too wise to accept what God has told us about, for example, His existence, His power, His goodness, and the reality of heaven and hell. And yet a few snarky parables may show just what their wisdom is made of...

To what shall I compare the theologian who says, "I cannot believe in a God who would be so cruel that he would send people to hell for not believing in him"?

He is like a man who walks off a cliff into a deep chasm after being warned by a park ranger to stay on the path. As he plunges to his death, he curses the park ranger for putting the chasm there.

He is like a woman who falls asleep while smoking in bed and awakes trapped in a burning house. When the fire chief risks his life to enter the inferno and save her, she threatens to sue him for letting her live in a flammable building until he leaves.

Fragments from an Organist's Notebook

I recently unearthed a notebook I used to keep by me at the console of the pipe organ I played for several years at a certain LCMS church in Saint Louis. I needed the notebook for another purpose, so I tore these pages out. Before I throw them away forever, here are some of the tidbits I had scribbled on them...

PRESET REGISTRATIONS
General Preset 1: "Hymn Intro," etc.
Pedal: 16' Bourdon, 16' Flute, 8' Bour., Fl., 4' Bour., 8' Sw.-Ped.
Swell: 4' Principal, 2' Fl.
Great: 8' Pr., 4' Fl., 8' Sw.-Gt.

General Preset 2: "Stanza 1," etc.
Ped.: 16' Bour., Fl., 8' and 4' Pr., 8' and 4' Sw.-Ped.
Sw.: 8' Fl., 4' Pr.
Gt.: 8', 4', and 2' Pr., 8' Sw.-Gt.

General Preset 3
Ped.: 16' Viol., Bour. 8' Pr., Bour. 4' Pr., Bour. 8' Gt.-Ped.
Sw.: 8' Fl., V Cornet (4' Pr., Fl., 2-2/3' Nazard, 2' Fl., 1-3/5' Tierce)
Gt.: 8' Pr., Fl., 4' Pr., 2' Pr., 8' Sw.-Gt.

Comment: I am pretty sure this list dates from an early stage in my tenure on that instrument. Later I had as many as five general presets that I kept pretty much all the time, and Presets 4 and 5 were much more massive registrations. However, these "bare-bones" registrations left plenty of room to add stops between stanzas (such as 4' couplers, combinations, 2' stops, and mutations), and to create custom presets for specific preludes and postludes.

And now, some poetical fragments that I may someday flesh out and repost as completed works.

FRAGMENT OF A MAUNDY THURSDAY HYMN
Lord, on the night You were betrayed,
You proved our faithful Friend;
Did not desert Your own, but stayed
And loved them to the end;
Then, holding all things in Your hand,
In your most holy feast
Obeyed the Father's stern command
And, stooping, served the least.

You bathed your children's wandering feet,
(fragment breaks off)

FRAGMENT(?) OF A POEM ABOUT DEATH
I do not say, when I have died,
That I shall stand with you aside;
Rather, whate'er I see or do,
Where'er I go, the love of you
I take with me; when in my ears
Resounds the music of the spheres,
Should I be called to join the same,
Into my song I'll pour your name.

When to my eyes the vision blest
Breaks open stores of perfect rest,
Before that throne of fear and grace
I'll bear your love. And when I face
The long road of eternity,
Your last kiss shall go on with me.
With my last breath this vow I give:
I who now die, commence to live.

You still, a little while, must stay
And watch the dying of this day;
So soon as, where I go, makes naught,
You shall be likewise upward caught:
No more to die, henceforth to live.
This final word of peace I give.
(bottom of page)

FRAGMENT OF A FUNERAL HYMN

O Christ, you know: to live
Is good; to die is best.
For while we here yet strive,
Those yonder taste your rest.

They run ahead to joys
Whereof our hope is keen.
We grope behind in shade;
They blessed light have seen.

Amen! Come quickly, Lord!
Come, wipe away all tears
(fragment breaks off)

At the bottom of another page, I found a two-column table that evidently served as a guide for writing this hymn. The columns were headed "Deceased" and "Us." Beneath these headings were the following notes:
Healed / Still in Pain
Happy / Sad
Perfect / Still sinners (but forgiven)
Living / Dying
In Arms of Christ / Selfishly wanting them back
Still the one we loved / Loved by Christ
Arrived / In Transit
Victorious / Still in Battle

"TO DO" LIST FOR PREACHING
I think I jotted this down while listening to a seminary student trying to preach.

• Explain the text
• Use analogy when you need to, to explain the text!
• Interpret the text via proper distinction of Law & Gospel
• Proclaim the cross, forgiveness
• Locate Christ and His gifts in the Means of Grace
• Be audible

If I correctly remember which seminarian was preaching that day, the underlining of that last item represented profound frustration.

PIANO LESSON PARABLES

I listed the titles (only) of several "parables," to use as talking points for a series of piano lessons I was giving to a child in the congregation. I have added comments below each one, attempting to flesh out what I was thinking at the time.

Wild Horses & Paths (really two parables)
The only way to tame a wild horse is to catch it, climb on its back, and fight it until it submits to your control. Beginning to learn how to play the piano is like that: you have to force your hands to do things that (at first) they don't want. The more you wrestle with them (through persistent practice), the more obedient they become. Also, it can be hard work to walk across ground that has no path on it. But if people walk over the same ground often enough, their footsteps compress the earth into a path where they can walk faster and more easily. Learning the piano is like that: For a while it seems like a lot of tedious hard work; but over time you will feel less resistance, and your progress will come more easily.

Tennis/Badminton/Volleyball/Ping Pong
The successful player of any of these sports will always return to a central position at his end of the court or table after hitting the projectile over the net. This saves energy running, jumping, and reaching, wherever his opponent may send the object flying back. Likewise, a pianist who does not want to wear his hands out must always bring them back to a relaxed position after extending the fingers.

Dizzy Dean
This legendary baseball pitcher burned out early because he played while nursing a broken toe. Since he favored his injured foot, Dean's pitching motion changed in a way that resulted in permanent shoulder damage, effectively ending his career. Likewise, a pianist who practices with an incorrect technique runs the risk of disabling injury to the muscles and joints of the hand.

Muscle Memory
When you practice something the same way, over and over, you are building a habit that makes it ever easier to do. This applies equally to shooting free throws, playing a video game, and performing a piece of music. One of my music teachers liked to put it this way: Each time you learn something new, it puts a wrinkle on your brain. The wrinkles on your brain represent processes that your brain, nerves, and muscles have worked out among themselves—but adding these wrinkles takes serious work.

Right Paths
It is important to practice in the right way, so that you do not learn bad habits or etch mistakes on your muscle memory. This means (at the very least) slowing down enough to play every note perfectly, counting every beat out loud, using a metronome to keep time, and gradually speeding up until you can play the piece with equal accuracy at the target tempo. It also means using the correct expressions and articulations every time you practice a piece, rather than attempting to "add the dynamics later."

Parable of the Thermostat

To what shall I compare this generation?

It is like the tenants in an apartment building that was heated by a central boiler during cold winter weather. The boiler gave out too much heat for some people's comfort, and they could not control the temperature in their own apartments. So the tenants petitioned the landlord to have electric heat installed, with a separate thermostat in each flat. The landlord complied, making each resident responsible to pay for his own heating bill.

What happened next? After a month-long cold snap, the residents received their electric bill and were shocked at the expense. To make ends meet, most of them had to dial down their thermostats and keep their apartments uncomfortably cool. The cost was still high, and the landlord spent more time than ever dealing with malfunctioning thermostats and heating registers.

Let him who has earmuffs...

Parable of the Toaster

To what shall I compare this generation?

It is like a company that manufactured toasters under the mission statement, "More chrome, less toast."

You fool! Make the mission statement "Less chrome, more toast." Then you will be cooking!

Parable of the Nosocomephobic

A fellow blogger's post inspired the following thought...

The people of this generation excuse themselves from churchgoing because, they say, the church is full of sinners, hypocrites, and mean people. To what shall I compare them? They are like a man who refused to be taken to the hospital, even when he was dangerously ill, because hospitals are full of sick people. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear.

Parable of the Hazard Signs, Etc.

To what shall I compare this generation, which demands that ministers of religion teach the faith without comparing it to, or condemning, false doctrine?

It is like a state that voted to remove all hazard signs from its highways. This way people wouldn't be frightened or offended by approaching hazards, such as sharp curves, steep grades, falling rocks, slippery bridges, animals crossing the road, and approaching cross-traffic. Removing the signs does not remove the danger in these things. In fact, it makes the danger greater.

It is like a ruler who instructed his officials to strip containers of hazardous chemicals of their warning labels, because these warnings cause needless fear and worry. Removing the warning label does not make the chemical less poisonous or explosive or flammable or corrosive. Nor does it lower the chances of an accident.

It is like a kingdom whose posted laws never tell you what not to do, but only what is permitted. Crime is still punishable, but you have to figure out for yourself how to avoid committing it.

It is like a navy that issued sea charts to its officers, omitting the precise positions of dangerous rocks, reefs, and shoals. After all, why put pressure on people to be accurate? That just hurts their morale!

It is like a police force that stopped publishing wanted posters, giving the description of wanted criminals and the crimes they were suspected of. After all, why encourage people to be suspicious of their neighbors? That's bad for the community!

It is like an eagle that covered up one eye before flying out to hunt for prey. How well will it judge its swoop? Or it is like a bat that put a wax plug in one ear before flying out into the dark forest. How well will it echolocate its nighttime surroundings?

The Parable of the Antifreeze

To what shall I compare this generation?

Verily, it is like a dog that has caught the delicious scent of a puddle of spilled antifreeze. The dog's owner knows that his pet, if given its way, would joyfully lick up that puddle—and would then die a painful and gruesome death. But the owner also knows that if he restrains his dog, it will strain and chafe against its leash, resentful of being denied its heart's desire. Which would be the more loving thing to do?

Let him who has floppy ears, perk them up.

The Frankenstein Parable

To what shall I compare the kingdom of God? It is--if you will pardon a frankly gruesome illustration--like unto Frankenstein's monster.

What the mad scientist had on his table, after sewing together bits of dead people, was a collection of dead meat. Only when a surge of electricity was added did it come to life.

But that was not all. The electricity was more than just the spark that brought Frankenstein's monster alive. Rather, that electricity stayed in the monster, circulating around and maintaining the life it had started. It was, in fact, the monster's life, while it lived.

Let him who has ears to hear, hear what the Spirit breathes unto His Church....

Parable of the Puppy-Dog

To what shall I compare this adulterous generation?

It is like the puppy that a man adopted and placed on a strict training regimen. Each day when the man left home for work, he set the puppy loose in the backyard with plenty of water, food, and shelter. Then, unbeknownst to the man, the boy who lived next door would whistle to the dog, use dog-treats to entice him over to his yard, and play with him until the man returned home.

After several weeks of this, the dog's owner figured out why his training program was getting nowhere. For all the money and care he had spent on his dog, it now belonged to the boy next door.

Let him who has floppy ears let them lie flat against his head...

The Walmart Parable

To what shall I compare the kingdom of God?

It is like a Walmart store, where any on-the-clock employee who sees a spill on the floor immediately becomes responsible for it. It doesn't matter if he or she is a custodian, greeter, or even the store manager. It doesn't matter if he or she works in management, security, or human resources. It doesn't matter if he or she works on the loading dock, at the register, in food or lawn & garden or sporting goods or women's wear.

Whoever they are, wherever they were headed, whatever may have caused it, when a Walmart associate sees a spill he or she is expected to stand over it, point at it, and warn others not to walk through it--at least until a second employee comes along. Then the two of them can set up a hazard sign and clean up the spill.

Let him hear who questions whether Christians should point out false doctrine...

Thank You, David Lynch

I thank American cinematic auteur David Lynch for inspiring the thoughts below. It's been a while since I have either watched his 1984 film Dune or read Frank Herbert's novel, on which it was based. So forgive me if my memory is faulty, but it seems to me that the following parables owe their verisimilitude more to Lynch's film than to Herbert's book.

To what shall I compare the kingdom of heaven? It is like the cat who owned poor Thufir Hawat (pictured here, as played by Freddie Jones). When the evil Baron Harkonnen captured Thufir, he forced a deadly poison on the not-so-faithful Atreides family retainer. At the same time, the Baron gave Thufir a female cat that had been inoculated with the antidote. The Baron gleefully informed Thufir that he must drink this cat's milk every day for the rest of his life. For without a daily dose of the serum in the cat's milk, Thufir would die a horrible death. Let him who has eyebrows... whatever.

Again, to what shall I compare the kingdom of heaven? It is like the "weirding way" depicted in David Lynch's movie Dune (which, by the way, is totally different in the book). A small group of well-trained resistance fighters, armed with a hand-held device called a "weirding module," managed to overthrow an entire empire. All they had to do to make the module work was speak a certain word, and the device would convert it into enough kinetic energy to kill a man. The resistance fighters' most exciting breakthrough was discovering that their leader's name was a "killing word," a word so powerful that the weirding device could use it to blow up a whole building! Let him who has seen this movie try to avoid being caught saying "Muad'dib!" to the TV remote...

Parable of the Bone Marrow

To what shall I compare the kingdom of God?

It is like unto a leukemia patient's course of treatment. First they use radiation to kill the diseased bone-marrow. Then they replace it with a bone-marrow transplant.

Let him hear who has ears to distinguish between Law and Gospel.

FOOTNOTE: This parable could also be used to answer those who say, "You shouldn't point out false teachings. Just say what you have to say, and let the other guys say what they have to say, and it will straighten itself out..."

Parable of the Gambler

To what shall I compare this backsliding generation?

It is like a man who came to his brother late at night begging for money. "I've had a bad run of luck at the roulette table," he pleaded. "I'm into Bugs Coniglietto for an arm and a leg. And I mean that literally."

"How much do you need?" asked the gambler's brother.

"Thank you!" the gambler sobbed, accepting a thick wad of cash from his brother's wallet. "I'll never forget this!" Then he drove straight back to the casino and blew the whole wad on a single bet.

Let him who can figure out what this parable is about figure it out...

Random Quotability

I had just opened the next book I plan to read when I saw the following quote on the dedication page:

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. (e e cummings)

Wow. I think that sums up a great deal that has been going on in my personal life, as well as the challenge that I believe faces my community of faith. It puts me in mind of pearls of wisdom that fell from my father's lips when I was a child just beginning to feel the pressure of which cummings speaks. One was: "Someone calling you a duck doesn't make you a duck." Another was: "If everyone else decides to jump off a cliff, that doesn't mean you should jump too." And of course, there was always: "Use your brains for something besides fertilizer for hair."

Hmmm. When I look in the mirror now and see how little hair is still growing up top, I suppose I should take pride in knowing that I've followed Dad's advice. And looking at this picture of e e cummings, I reckon he must have followed similar advice...

Green Parable

To what shall I compare this green, green generation?

It is like an environmental scientist who devoted his life to finding a new, earth-friendly source of energy. After many years of passionate research, the scientist finally discovered a fuel that burned so clean...

How clean did it burn?

...It burned so clean that, no matter what you burned with it, the environment would be measurably better off after it was burned than before.

So, you could burn down a forest, and end up closer to saving the planet than when the forest was still there. You could burn a garbage dump, and the ground, water, and air would be cleaner after the fire than before it. You could pump it into your car's fuel tank and wherever you drove, the air would be cleaner.

As the scientist published his findings, he realized that he found no peace in fulfilling his lifelong mission. Instead, he now had a new mission before him. For now it became his task to sell people on the idea that, in the best interest of their planet, they must douse themselves with his miracle fuel and set themselves on fire. Which of the two tasks do you suppose was harder?

Let him who can figure out what this parable is about, figure it out for himself...

Three Parables

The Parable of the Old Biddy

To what shall I compare this generation? It is like Grandma Schmidt sitting on her front porch, chewing a plug of tobacco and holding a loaded shotgun across her knees.

Along came a yokel stealing Grandma's horse, but she just spat over the porch rail. A while later, a local ne'er-do-well climbed up a ladder right in front of her and carried off her prettiest granddaughter, but Grandma just rocked in her rocker and shook her head. Soon after this, a posse of yahoos ran into her yard, trampling her vegetable patch, busting down her fence, and throwing eggs against the side of her house. Grandma just yawned and slapped a mosquito.

Then who should come up Grandma Schmidt's driveway but a clean-cut young man wearing a belt of tools and driving a mule-cart filled with pots of paint, sacks of dry plaster, rolls of tarpaper, and stacks of bran-new roof shingles. "What do you want?" Grandma challenged him, cocking her gun.

"Thought you might have some work I could help with," said the visitor.

Grandma Schmidt spat in the man's direction, hitting the running board between his feet. "Look at the state of your shoes," she said.

"Looks like your fence needs mended," the man observed.

At this, the old lady aimed her gun and fired. Wounded, the man fell off the side of his cart and barely managed to avoid being run over as his mule bolted in panic. "What did you do that for?" he screamed, bleeding.

"Cain't abide a man with scuffed shoes," said the old biddy as she cocked her second barrel and drew a bead on the young man's head. Let him hear who has ears to hear...

The next two parables celebrate a certain church body's glorious lawsuit against four little old ladies on the Left Coast, the officers of a congregation that voted to leave the ___ Church. Historically, the ___ Church has never claimed to own the property of its several congregations, though it is customary for a parish's constitution to state that in the event of its dissolution, its assets will be donated to the ___ Church.

So, a civil bench in the Bay Area may soon set a major precedent by ruling that the ___ Church holds equity in a congregation and can force it to dissolve (thus forfeiting its property) rather leave the church body. Paradoxically, -- and this may be worth a parable or two on its own -- counsel for the ___ Church argues that (A) its policy against suing fellow Christians does not apply to people who have voted to leave the Church; while (B) it has legal standing to sue these same people because their decision to leave the ___ Church was invalid. Hmm.... To what shall I compare this generation?

The Parable of the Beneficiary

And elderly widow was driving into town for her monthly purchasing when her car had a flat tire. She pulled it off the gravel and waited for someone to come by and help her, wringing her hands anxiously. By and by, a lawyer came along and helped her put on the spare tire. Then he followed her slowly into town and made sure the local mechanic repaired her tire properly. The old lady so relieved that she promised the lawyer, "I'm going to put you in my will."

"I'm sure that's not necessary, ma'am," said the lawyer with a big, toothy grin. "Just doing what I can to help a neighbor."

"That's all right," said the lady. "Only, I don't have any surviving kin, and I would hate to die without knowing who was going to own my 75 hundred acres with oil under it, and my pristine, 18-bedroom house designed by what's-his-face, that Swedish Jew from early in the last century..."

"Do whatever you feel is right," said the lawyer, grinning even wider.

For a few years, all was well. The widow kept making her monthly trips into town without incident, and the lawyer built up a thriving practice, mostly by borrowing against money he expected to inherit from the widow.

Then one day the lawyer read in the newspaper that the widow had put her farm up for sale. He stormed down to the widow's farm and pounded on her door. "How dare you go back on our agreement," he began lecturing as soon as the lady opened the door.

"What is it to you?" the widow retorted. "I'm too old and feeble to keep this big house up, let alone all this land. If I get a chance to trade it for a condo in Boca Raton, isn't that my right?"

"We'll see about that," spat the lawyer. "You put me in your will to inherit this farm. I think the judge will agree that you can't throw away what's rightfully mine. Consider yourself served!" Let him hear who has ears to hear.

A Sequel to the Parable of the Beneficiary

The lawyer won his case against the widow. The judge agreed that, by naming the lawyer in her will, the old lady had given him a lien on her house and land. She was enjoined to stay on the farm for the rest of her life, on pain of being evicted and seeing the property turned over to the lawyer directly.

Years passed. The widow grew more and more feeble and inactive. Work on the farm stopped. The house began to suffer from neglect. The lawyer repeatedly sued to force the widow to make certain improvements, such as paving her driveway, and to prevent others, such as installing a wheelchair-accessible bathroom. The widow's savings dwindled, and she lived in increasing poverty and desolation. Yet she kept on living, beyond anyone's expectations.

Meanwhile, the lawyer had been living the good life. Such a good life, indeed, that his debts grew beyond his ability to service them, and his health deteriorated as well. No longer a young man, and plagued by heart problems, liver problems, gallbladder problems, and arthritis, the no-longer-young lawyer realized that he could not wait for the old lady to die. So he petitioned the court to declare her dead and send her property into probate.

"But I'm still alive," the lady argued during a hearing before the judge. "You can't inherit my land until I'm dead."

"You should have thought of that before you tried to cut the plaintiff out of your will," the judge barked, slamming his gavel down. "Bailiff, remove this corpse from my courtroom." Let him hear who has ears to hear.