Thursday, March 15, 2018

Parable of the Car Cake

I recently saw a video in which an executive at a major supplier of Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Food (coughkraftcough) was quoted saying something to the effect that it might as well be considered cheese because it contains all the components of cheese. This rather reminded me of the claim that used to be kicked in my eyes like so much sand that certain books (coughleftbehindcough) should be considered Christian because they contain biblical themes. To what shall I compare these amazing claims? He (or she) who has ears to hear, let him (or her) hear...

Suppose I set out a huge mixing bowl and blended some eggs, milk, vanilla extract, flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, and a pinch of salt. Then suppose I continued to add the following ingredients: 1 cup ground aluminum steel, 1/2-cup ground cast iron, 1/2-cup shredded plastic, 1/4-cup crushed glass, 1 cup diced rubber, 2 tbsp. motor oil, 2 tbsp. gasoline, 1 tsp. antifreeze/coolant, 1/2 tsp. brake fluid, 1/2 tsp. transmission fluid, a splash of windshield washer fluid, a spritz of mercury vapor, ceramic dust to taste. Stir together and pour into a cake pan. Bake in a really hot oven for, like, ages. Test done with a toothpick. Allow to cool on a wire rack. Frost with automotive paint and sprinkle with bits of copper wire, leather zest, and a few other trace materials.

Hey, that cake contains pretty much all the components of an automobile. So, voila! I've just baked you a car!

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