Spelling Edicts

Preamble
Having seized despotic power over the English-speaking world, or at least a major portion thereof, we are immediately forced to consider how to slow the rampant inflation that threatens the survival of our society. In view of the high price of fuel and our nation’s diminishing natural resources (such as trees), we are convinced that conservation is of the greatest importance. And hardly any segment of the economy is more profligate in wasting these resources than the publishing industry, including the production of paper. Therefore it pleases us to enact the laws hereinafter promulgated, which shall be obeyed from this moment onward on pains of death, to wit: the Linespacing Laws, the Margin Reduction Act, the Onionskin Paper Decree, the Font Size Canons, the Concision Doctrine, the Prolixity Taboo, the Publish and Perish Articles, the Punctuation Precepts, and lastly, our new Spelling Edicts . . . [93 pages later]

Spelling Edict 1.
Efective imediately, the length of al words speled with double consonants (defined as a consonant directly folowed by itself) wil be reduced by deleting one of the double leters.

Speling Edict 2.
The speling of words containing a silent leter, such as a silent E, wil likwis be reducd by deleting the silent leter.

Speling Edict 3.
Sylabls in which a nasl consonant (such as L, M, N, or R) or a siblnt (such as S, Sh, Z, or Zh) is pronouncd as a sylabl unto itself, or in a manr consistnt with a vowl, wil heraftr be speld without a vowl.

Speling Edict 4.
Al vaul saunds wil bi speld acording tu thə Itaeliən hiusəg, with thə cherəctr “ə” signifaihing ə dstinct shhua saund (or aeni lo ənraundəd vaul); thə letrs “ae” signifaihing thə vaul saund in thə wrd formrli speld “cat”; thə letrs “hi” signifaihing the consənənt formrli speld “y”; thə letrs “hu” signifaihing the consənənt formrli speld “w”; aend thə sailnt “h” in genrl srving aes thə exceptiən tu Speling Idict 2. Diphthongs wil bi speld with thə vauls əf which the ar cəmposd.

Speling Idict 5.
Letrs reprisenting ə combineshən əf consənənt saunds, səch aes “ks” (formrli speld “x”) and “ts” (səmtaims speld “c”) shael hentsforth bi əbolishd, thi ekspreshən therəf riplecd huith a phonetic speling əf sed saunds.

Speling Idict 6.
Letrz reprizenting saundz tipikli speld bai əthr letrz shael bi riplest huith thə letr most komnli əsocietəd huith sed saundz. For egzaempl, most wrdz in hhuich “c” wəz formrli hiuzd huil nau bi speld huith aithr “s” or “k” insted. Wrds formrli rikhuairing thə letr “q” huil nau əvel themselvz əv “k,” etc. [Not: ekspreshnz səch aez “etc.,” not bihing in Inglish, shael not bi altrd.]

Speling Idikt 7.
In kipq huith thə hiusədj əv əthr leqghuədjz, sətw aez Rəwn, thə saund formrli speld “sh” huil nau bi speld “w,” on thə raewənael thaet (1) thə letr “w” haez ben rilivd əv its əthr hiusz, aend (2) the saund formrli speld “sh” iz reprizentəd in Rəwn bai ə siqgl letr simlr tu aur ərsthuail “w.” Bai ekstenwən, thə saund formrli speld “ch” huil bi fonetikli rispeld “tw.” Similrli, thə saund səmtaimz givn aez “zh” huil be speld “j,” huail the saund priviəsli reprizentəd bai thaet letr huil bi fonetikli rispeld “dj.” Ənəthr konsəkhuents əv this iz thaet thə letr “g” huud alhuez bi prənauntst aez ə hard “g,” eksept in thə saund hirtufor speld “ng.” Thə laetr huil therfor bi riplest bai thə spelq “q,” hhuitw iz no loqgr hiuzd in its formr kapasiti; ə “g” huil bi aedəd onli hhuer ə hard “g” saund foloz thə nezl saund. Where thə “q” saund srvz aez ə parwl vaul (i.e., in the kəpaesiti əv ən entair silabl), it nid not bi prisidəd bai ə vaul. In this hue, hui huil muv Iqgliw spelq thuərd gretr kənsistntsi aend pridiktəbiliti, aur gol biq tu hav itw letr reprizent onli huən saund.

Spelq Idikt 8.
In ordr tu klerifai thə hiusədj əv thə letr “h” aez ə sailnt signifair əv sətw saundz aez “hi” (formrli speld “y”) and “hu” (formrli speld “w”), al aespiretəd konsənənts əv thə taip privihiəsli speld “h” huil nau bi speld “x,” aez pr thə hiusədj əv thə letr “x” in maeni əthr leqghuədjəz. Thəs, maeni wrdz formrli biginq huith “wh” huil nau bigin huith “xhu,” aez in thi intərogətiv pronaunz “xhuat, xhuen, xhuer, xhuai,” aend thə relətiv pronaun “xhuitw.”

Spelq Idikt 9.
Fryr tu Spelq Idikt 8, yə tu saundz formrli speld “th” huil hentsforc bi riplest bai ə siqgl letr itw, hiuzq “c” for yi ənvoist saund, aend “y” for yə voist saund; yiz letrs haevq alredi ben veketəd bai privihiəs Idikts. Yis, hui ciqk, wud bi səfiwənt tu put Iqgliw spelq on ən ordrli futq, eliminetq huestfl striqz əv sailənt letrz aend kənfhiuzq verihiənts on xau tu spel ə givn wrd.

Egzaempl əv xau yiz Idikts me bi əplaid:
BIFOR:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

AEFTR:

For skor aend sevn hiirz əgo aur fayrz brot forc on yis kontinənt, a nu newən, konsivd in Librti, aend dediketəd tu yə propəziwən yaet al men ar krietəd ikhul. Nau hui ar engedjd in ə gret sivl huər, testq xhueyer yaet newən, or aeni newən so kənsivd aend so dediketəd, kaen loq endhiur. Hui ar met on ə gret baetl-fild əv yaet huər. Hui haev kəm tu dediket ə porwn əv yaet fild, aez ə fainl restq ples for yoz xu xir gev yer laivz yaet yaet newən mait liv. It iz altugeyr fitq aend propr yaet hui wud du yis. Bət, in ə lardjr sens, hui kaen not dediket—hui kan not konsəkret—hui kaen not haelo—yis graund. Yə brev men, livq aend ded, xu strəgld hir, haev konsəkretəd it, far əbəv aur pur paur tu aed or ditraekt. Yə huərld huil litl not, nor loq rimembr xhuət hui se xir, bət it kan nevr forget xhuət ye did xir. It iz for əs yə livq, raeyr, tu bi dediketd xir tu yi ənfiniwt hurk xhuitw ye xu fot xir xav yəs far so nobli aedvaentst. It iz raeyr for əs tu bi xir dediketd tu yə gret taesk rimenq bifor əs—yaet frəm yiz anrd ded hui tek inkrist divown tu yaet koz for xhuitw ye gev yə laest fəl mejr əv divown—yaet hui xir xaili rizolv yaet yiz ded wael not haev daid in ven—yaet yis newən, əndr God, wael xav ə nu brc əv fridm—aend yaet gəvrnmnt əv yə pipl, bai yə pipl, for yə pipl, wal not periw from yi rth.

KMPERISN:
Yə frst vrjn kntenz 1,189 kerəktrz, not iqkludq spesz. Yə seknd vrjn haez 1,047 kerəktrz, dito. Yis iz ə sevqz əv 142 kerəktrz in onli 271 wrdz, aen almost 12% impruvmnt. Tekn tugeyr huic yi əyr konsrvewn laz rlir proklemd, yiz Spelq Idikts kud rizəlt in signifiknt straidz thuərd pepr aend enrdji konsrvewn. Hui xav spokn; xir aend obe!