Rehearsal Dinner Whimsy

FATHER OF THE BRIDE (standing up to make a toast).

Honey, it seems like only yesterday I held you in my arms, tugging on your little nose. But of course, it wouldn't come off, because it was real. I'm not saying you weren't a beautiful baby... but when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother.

Since that day, we've been proud to have you living under our roof for twenty-one wonderful years. The other fourteen years, not so much. Every time I thought about the day some man would come along and take you away from us, the agony I felt was unbearable. But you know how sharp your mother's elbows are. And now that day has come. Well, almost. I'm keeping my fingers crossed until two o'clock tomorrow.

I felt sure you had found your soul-mate the moment I met your husband-to-be. I'll never forget the look on his face. My heart went right out to him, he was so nervous. I don't know if it was the surprise when I sat up in the backseat, or if it was the click of the safety coming off my shotgun. I know exactly what he saw in you, though. I never realized till then how much the dashboard lights of an '82 Monte Carlo flatter you.

I am sure your father-in-law feels honored to have you as part of his proud family. Tears come to my eyes when I recall our first meeting, forty-five minutes ago. He said to me, "You're what's-his-face, aren't you?" I said, "That is undeniably true." Some of the greatest friendships in human history have been founded on less. And in our case, I look forward to a great deal less in the years to come.

I just want my little girl to know that, no matter what happens, there will always be a place for her to come back to, given at least thirty days' notice. We'll be renting out your room on a monthly basis, and we already have a tenant lined up. Don't worry about all your girlhood things. They're being well-cared for in a storage unit up by the airport. Your mother and I paid the first month's rent in your name, and the key and contract are tucked inside the card with your gift. Just our little way of showing how much we love you. And without further ado, I propose the bride!