Trek monologue

*** INTERIOR: The mess deck of the Starship Discovery, 32nd century, at high warp after picking up new crewbeings at starbase. A strange-looking new crewman sits down at a table with several members of the bridge crew. He seems to have Vulcan ears, a Bajoran nose, and some kind of stumps (antennae? horns?) on top of his head. The other officers look at him quizzically. ***

LT. RHYS (tactical officer)
I say ...

LT. JOPP (new guy)
Let me anticipate you. No, I'm not half-Vulcan; I'm a quarter Vulcan on my mother's side. Yes, I'm half-Romulan; but before you ask, that's a quarter-Romulan on both sides. On my father's side, I'm also 1/8 human, 1/16 Bajoran, 1/32 this and 1/32 that, and yes, I do know what "this" and "that" are but people start to get bored by now, so we move on. Yes, I'm aware I talk a lot and that could mean there's a Cardassian behind the wood pile, but if there is, it's so far back that nobody remembers how they got there. Yes, this striking nose is evidence of how strong a 1/16 share of Bajoran genes is, but no, I've never felt an urge to put on ear jewelry. No, I don't practice Vulcan meditation, but also no, I'm not going to snap and kill you. Well, anything could happen, but I've never done it so far, so I wouldn't worry. No, I don't practice absolute candor, but I'm being candid right now; you'll have to take my word for it. No, I have no explanation for those things on top of my head; they don't do anything as far as I can tell. No, I've never felt like my personality was being torn apart because of my diverse heritage; I know who I am and I've never been tempted to be anybody else. And no, I can't explain why I was so fortunate to have such an awesome heritage, but I've never detected any signs that I'm destined for greatness, other than being probably the most advanced student of Beta Quadrant vegetation at this table. Any other questions?

RHYS (sheepish)
Um ... would you pass the salt?