Friday, July 10, 2020

Bible Stories Boringed

A game has been going around Facebook recently: "Can you describe your favorite movie as boring as possible?" In churchly circles, a variant I've seen replaces "movie" with "Bible story." Here are the boringed Bible stories that I contributed to that thread. Mostly written in headline style:
  • Brat hits soldier in the face with a pebble.
  • Dude naps on roof and dreams about food.
  • Dude finds out his fiancee is pregnant and the child isn't his. He marries her anyway.
  • One out of 10 people gives positive feedback after being treated for a skin condition.
  • Public fracas over sexual misconduct disrupts sidewalk art project.
  • Schoolboys thrive on vegetarian diet.
  • Rare animal chokes to death on hairball.
  • Theologian walks out of church whistling "Holy, Holy, Holy" after experiencing religious ecstasy.
  • Wreck of prisoner transport results in no fatalities. Witnesses credit cool-headed prisoner with leading survivors to safety.
  • Prison break unexplained. Guards, who previously failed to keep religious leader's body from vanishing out of a sealed tomb, may face discipline.
  • Community organizer fails to ask for directions, followers spend 40 years wandering in the sticks.
  • Pre-getaway bbq combines with home redecorating project.
  • Ancient text suggests ancient Egypt had its own 2020.
  • Holy man's presence turns wedding reception into massive bender.
  • Gambling ring revealed at capital punishment site.
  • Inspection standards under review after beach house collapses in storm.
  • Judge reverses decision after woman renews her appeal.
  • Property damaged, church vandalized during earthquake/eclipse.
  • Property manager makes last-minute deals before turning books over to investigation.
  • #MeToo defendant found guilty of sexual assault after claiming he was the victim.

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