Today I'm going to discuss four movies that were so bad that just thinking about them is enough to get me angry – and I only actually watched three of them.
I think so little of these films and the people behind them that I don't consider it worthwhile to dig up the actual references, but I assure you that I have seen videos and read articles stating the point of view behind these reboots of folklore from the ancient heart of English-speaking culture (and wider Western European culture for that matter). Namely, they don't have anything to say to people today; they're boring and irrelevant and have to be fundamentally re-imagined before a present-day movie about them is going to score at the box office. I submit that if these people really believe that, they should leave these legends alone, not bother to re-imagine anything and just start from fresh material; and also that, by holding that opinion, they are the last people in the world who should try to make movies about Robin Hood or King Arthur. Their labors are wasted, and the results are an insult to lovers of the romance at the heart of our culture.
The movie is directed by Guy Ritchie, who shares writing credit on it with Joby Harold, Lionel Wigram and David Dobkin. I mention these people only so that I can say that if there is any justice in the world of art and entertainment, none of these men will ever be allowed to make another movie to afflict us.
The main character is an obnoxious twit who lacks any attractive or sympathetic qualities. What's actually going on in the story is insulting to the viewer and doesn't do much credit to the young heroine, either. What are these giants that she kills? Is there any real component to her bizarre behavior, which includes wearing a pair of bunny ears that you'll want to slap off her head by the end? You'll grow to suspect it's something between paranoid delusions and a coping mechanism for – I won't ask for your forgiveness, you'll thank me for spoiling it – her mother's cancer diagnosis.
What you actually see happening on screen isn't at all fun to watch, and what it turns out to mean in cold reality proves to be more disappointing than you can possibly be prepared for. The story line's final resolution is tied up so easily that it's like a slap in the face, or maybe a kick aimed somewhat lower. By then, you've lost any investment in it and are just watching (if at all) the way one watches a train wreck. Only, I rather fancy that a train wreck would have a more satisfying ending. Again, the more notice the world takes of this movie, the more film careers it will effectively destroy. In that regard, more power to it.
But other than what I've already stated, what mainly ticks me off about it is that it's the premier example of a DVD failing to fulfill the promises made when the format was introduced. Chiefly, I'm pissed because there was no DVD menu option to watch this movie with subtitles, which would have been helpful because the dialect of English spoken in this movie is nigh unto incomprehensible to poor little, slightly hard of hearing, middle American me. Even at Walmart cheapo bin prices, we should have the right to expect better.
On the other hand, I'll give the movie credit for this much: Seeing Jason Statham genuinely smile was a real novelty. He should do it more often.