TOUGH GUY
I'm gonna hit you so hard that when you get up, a different actor will be playing you.
...
[Exterior. The edge of a cliff.]
CHARACTER ONE
Are you serious? That's completely idiotic!
CHARACTER TWO
Don't blame me. It's in the script.
...
[Interior. A psychiatrist's office.]
PATIENT
Doc, I feel like my life is a B movie.
DOCTOR
Sorry, would you repeat that? The boom mike was in the shot.
...
[Interior. A bedroom.]
WIFE
I heard a noise downstairs. Why don't you go check it out?
HUSBAND
Are you crazy? Can't you hear the creepy music?
...
[Interior. A torture chamber.]
VICTIM
Why are you doing this to me?
VILLAIN
Because it's in my contract!
...
[Interior. A bedroom. The love scene.]
WOMAN
Oh... this is never getting past the censor...
...
[Exterior. The climactic standoff.]
HERO
I know you won't shoot me.
VILLAIN
You do, eh? What makes you think so?
HERO
Because in 10 seconds, we're in SAG mandated overtime.
VILLAIN
Curses! Foiled again!
...
[Exterior. Two characters gazing off-camera in wonder.]
SHIRLEY
Oh, Ned! It's breathtaking, isn't it? Don't you wish everybody could see it?
NED
Too right, Shirley. There's no way we have the budget for this!
...
[Interior. A police station.]
WOMAN
Is this Missing Persons? My mother has disappeared.
OFFICER
Have you checked the cutting room floor?
...
[Exterior. The woods at night.]
WEREWOLF
Rawr!
VICTIM
Aw, you big phony! You don't scare me. I bet that snout comes right off! Oops...
WEREWOLF: Dammit!
...
[Exterior. A field.]
WOMAN
Look, it's a zombie! Shoot it! Shoot it now!
HERO [steps forward to take aim; a faint crunching sound is heard]
ZOMBIE [stops shambling]
Sounds like you found my contact lens, then.
...
[Exterior. The crime scene.]
WOMAN
He's trying to say something! What's he saying?
HERO [placing his ear next to the VICTIM's mouth]
He says... "This is the last time you'll catch me doing my own stunts..."
...
[Exterior. The same, take two.]
WOMAN
He's trying to speak! What's he saying?
HERO [with his ear next to VICTIM's mouth]
He says... "Get out of my key-light, jackass..."
...
[Interior. A biker bar.]
EUGENE
Boy, does that guy hit hard!
JOE
Eh? Do I know you?
EUGENE
Come on, Joe! Do you know me?! It's me, Eugene!
JOE
Huh. You look different somehow.
EUGENE
That's what I'm telling you!
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