Backwards Day

Assignment: Live an entire day backwards.

Within limits, of course. There are some things you probably won't want to try. It's not a good idea to do your laundry on backwards day, because then you would have to dry the clothes first, then wash them and put them up wet. Ick! Also, don't walk backwards or drive backwards; that could be dangerous. Don't attempt to talk backwards; few people have the gift. Wash your hands after using the toilet; doing the reverse is unhygienic. You might not want to do this on a regular work day; you could get fired. But whenever possible, try to do every day tasks from back to front.

Begin the day with your bedtime prayers. You're really gonna need God's help today. Then kiss your significant other Good Night. Lie in bed for a while longer, reading a favorite book chapter by chapter from back to front. Then get up and toss a hot water bottle into your empty bed. Do your bedtime toilet (flossing and brushing teeth, putting rollers and a hairnet on, taking your teeth out, changing from your pajamas into your hanging-around-the-house gear, etc.). Watch TV for a while. Then get dressed to go out.

For breakfast, go to a 24-hour restaurant (like Denny's) and have dinner. Instead of waiting to be seated, go directly to a table and sit down, and slap $30 in cash on the table. When your waitress comes to serve you, decline to look at a menu. Instead, instruct her to take a reasonable tip out of the cash (neither stingy nor particularly generous) and use the rest to ring up a meal. Explain that you're doing everything backwards today, it's an assignment, so if she'll please bear with you, she can start by bringing you dessert and coffee. Then an entree, followed by salad, and of course a refillable drink. Table bread, if any, should be served only at the very end, at which point you will look at the menu and order the meal you have just eaten. Then ask that the waitress would kindly show you to the door.

If you go to a movie, buy popcorn and soda after seeing the picture, on your way out of the theater. If you visit a building that has escalators, walk up the down escalator and down the up one. If you watch a movie on DVD, use the "chapters" menu to watch it in reverse order, from the last chapter to the first. (This is probably best done with a film you already know well.) Or listen to a recording of a symphony from the last movement to the first. Go to a store only to return merchandise for a refund.

Out in public, say "Excuse me" to someone near you, then bump into them as if by accident. Tell people "good afternoon" in the morning and "good morning" in the evening. On the bus or train, wait until you stand up to leave, then ask the person next to you if this seat is taken. Go to the pond in the park and try to take bread from the ducks. Find a pile of leaves and, observing ladder safety, stuff them into the gutters of your roof. Take your leaf-blower and blow grass clippings onto your sidewalk. If you meet someone new, act as though you've known for ages, and then try to forget them afterward.

Finish the day with a late breakfast. Brush your hair, then shower and shave, then put on pajamas, take the cold water bottle out of your bed, give whomever a Good Morning kiss, and roll into bed with a stretch and a groan. Bet you can't wait to find out what you dreamed last night!