Thank you, television and its friendly sponsors, for providing the advertising that informs us of what we want. Whatever would we spend our money on without your advice?
Thank you, AEIOU, for preventing us from wasting countless hours on useless activities such as taking walks, visiting with the neighbors (and actually knowing who they are), listening to good music (or making our own), reading good books, pursuing hobbies, engaging in conversation with family and friends, playing games or sports, cooking a special meal, or teaching the kids their family history. Thank you for showing us that any time not spent productively is a complete waste, and to waste it but good.
Thank you, AEIOU, for making sure that we will have pearly white teeth as our civilization crumbles around us. Thank you for giving us fresh breath while taking all the beauty out of our lives. Thank you for vouchsafing to us clean, nice-smelling, attractively colored hair, free of dandruff and split ends. It is a fair exchange for the joy, freedom, and human sentiments you take away.
Thank you, AEIOU, for sparing us the trouble of thinking through complex issues and finding out the truth; being force-fed your shrill ideology is so much more convenient. Thank you for helping us save the environment by not reading newspapers any more. Thank you for surgically reducing our attention span, scrambling our wits, and filling our minds with useless information and disinformation; ignorance is bliss. Thank you for exercising our retinas with images of test-tube-bred, surgically altered, genetic freaks; their physical beauty is a wonderful consolation as, deprived of all other exercise, we turn into disgusting, helpless blobs of fat.
How good it is to know that we can enjoy the good life - albeit one lived by other people - without making any effort or risking failure and disappointment. Without you, we would not be on the cusp of realizing all that mankind can aspire to become with the assistance of the AEIOU: bloated parasites that wallow in their own filth. Thank you ever, ever so much.
...You are slaves of the one whom you obey...(Romans 6:16)