Saturday, June 23, 2012

Thanks, but no thanks...

This weekend's attractions at the 20-screen movieplex that I favor because of the awesome milkshakes you can buy at the concession stand...

BRAVE. An animated chick flick, based on some fairy tale or other (maybe). Picturing myself—a whiskery, overweight, 40-ish single male—waddling into this show is so creepy, I think I would leave the theater myself if I saw it.

BRAVE IN DISNEY DIGITAL 3D. Oh, that's all right, then. Now the only problem is that it's in 3D, and I have a nervous fit every time I have to wear those glasses.

ROCK OF AGES. A romance about two kids chasing dreams of moviestardom, featuring two kids chasing dreams of moviestardom, and a cast of perennial supporting players of whom Paul Giamatti is the biggest brand. And a hard-rock sound track. Nah.

THAT'S MY BOY. If I hadn't already seen a trailer for this tacky little number, I would have said, "You lost me at 'Adam Sandler in...'"

MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE'S MOST WANTED. There's a numeral in the title. Therefore, I don't care.

MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE'S MOST WANTED IN 3D. See "Brave in Disney Digital 3D." I don't care to spend 2 hours flinching at images of things flying toward my face and fussing with the glasses to keep my airway open.

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. Charlize Theron jealous of Kristen Stewart? That alone exceeds my threshold for willing suspension of disbelief.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER. I've got to admit, I'm a little tempted. But it looks like a one-joke movie, and the punchline is in the title. Still, I got a laugh out of "Snakes on a Plane"...

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER IN 3D. What have I been telling you? Don't you listen? And need I add that most movies not designed specifically for 3D viewing do a disservice to the 3D industry, even from the point of view of someone who likes 3D?

PROMETHEUS. The girl with the dragon tattoo, the queen from Snow White, and Magneto from the last X-Men movie which I didn't see for reasons you should be able to guess by now... in a movie about killer robots from another planet. Sorry, not in the mood.

MEN IN BLACK 3. Dude. What did I tell you about numerals?

MEN IN BLACK 3 IN 3D. Are you actually trying to piss me off? When movie theaters become holodecks, then you may talk to me about 3D. But only if the movie started as a story, and not as a strategy to cash in on the popularity of some other movie.

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD. Dude. Making Keira Knightley look mousey destroys the point of having her in your movie. And making Steve Carell repeat his performance from "Dan in Real Life," only with the end of the world as the reason for his sadness, is a total waste of his talents too. The next movie he's in that I really want to see is "Magic Kingdom For Sale—Sold!" It's only 11 films down the list of his upcoming features.

MARVEL'S THE AVENGERS. Everyone's been telling me I should see this, but I have resisted so far. Besides, I've missed the last umpteen Marvel Comics movies that one needs to have seen in order to understand this one. Ironman 2, Thor, Green Lantern, Captain America... Nope, nope, nope, nope. So what would be the point?

MARVEL'S THE AVENGERS IN 3D. Just kidding. That's not showing where I'm (probably not) going. Thank God.

THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL. A film in which a bunch of senior members of the British actors' union set up housekeeping in a seedy Indian hotel and "are forever transformed by their shared experiences, discovering that life and love can begin again when you let go of the past," blah, blah, blah, just kill me if you catch me thinking about going to anything whose synopsis contains phrases like that.

So... I guess it will be another agoraphobic weekend of me, myself, and I partying together over Kräftig beer and a DVD of Stargate: Atlantis, Season 3. Hooray.

1 comment:

Cuda said...

Well said, although I think you used more words than necessary to say "Hell, NO!" to the current crop of Hollywood crap. And then they expect us to believe that they have the wit to advise on political matters? HA!